Monthly Archives: December 2017

The Orange and getting more of what you want

Does it ever feel that Christmas is one long negotiation in your house? It is in ours – what to eat, what to drink, what to watch on TV, what game to play… Thinking about the next couple of weeks with the family has put me in mind of a negotiation parable.  You may have heard it before, but I hope you won’t mind if I retell it.

The Orange

Picture the scene.  It’s Christmas Eve, and Janet and John are arguing over an orange. They both desperately want this orange and won’t give up the orange at all, for anything else – they scream, they shout, they throw things.  So what can we do?

The obvious solution is to come along with a nice sharp knife and cut the orange into two, giving Janet and John half each. If we were feeling more creative, we could even allow one to cut and the other to choose – this makes it fairer, perhaps, and gives Janet and John a hand in the solution.  But there’s a problem with this solution: that neither Janet nor John actually comes away with what they want.  Instead, they both come away with only 50% of what they want.  As a solution, it’s a crude one that leaves them both dissatisfied.

The less obvious solution is to ask questions.  Why does Janet want the orange? What plans does John have for the orange? By talking and listening to each other, it is possible that a better solution will present itself than simply cutting the orange in half.  For example, in this case it turns out that Janet wants the whole orange’s peel as she is following a recipe that makes her mince pies extra-zingy, while John is planning Christmas morning Bucks Fizz cocktails and needs all the juice of the orange for these.  So in fact, they can both get what they want out of the single orange: Janet can take all the peel and John can take all the juice.  They just need to work together.

Real life problems are usually more complex of course, but the Christmas lesson here for all of us is that by asking questions and listening to the answers, there may be a chance that we can all have a more peaceful Christmas. Whether you’re arguing about an orange or something else, if you approach the problem with a question, some creativity, and a spirit of co-operation, you’re more likely to come away with more of what you really want.

Wishing you a merry Christmas and a happy and peaceful new year.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

Good on ya Australia!

Same-sex marriage will become legal in Australia after a historic bill was passed in the House of Representatives yesterday. Almost unanimously MP’s voted to change the current Marriage Act after their Senate also reached the same decision. There were celebrations in Parliament and across Australia. This had been a hard fought campaign by the LGBT community and its supporters. The Prime Minister Malcolm Turnball said “What a day for love, for equality, for respect, Australia has done it.” In Just a few days’ time their Governor General will approve the bill – paving the way to it becoming law.

Good on Ya Australia Focus Mediation

Why does it matter – isn’t marriage less popular than ever?

But isn’t marriage just a piece of paper? Does it really matter? More heterosexual couples live together without marrying than ever before. So why is it so important? In one word – Acceptance. We all need to be accepted for who we are. I believe yesterday’s decision will make life a lot easier for many gay couples, their children and extended family. It will be harder to discriminate against someone based on their sexual orientation. However it’s the ripple effect that will have the most impact on society. When the Law says something is fair and just then society tends to accept that view over time. A child born today will never experience anything other than marriage equality in Australia. They will grow up knowing that same sex couples can marry just as heterosexuals can and Australian Law says that’s fair and just.

I know a £10 POM

I have an interest in yesterday’s decision. My maternal Uncle (now in his 80s), was a £10 Pom and left England for new beginnings at the tender age of 16. He met and married the love of his life, worked hard and raised a loving family. I have met many of my Australian relatives – there’s a lot of them! Other than the fact that they support Arsenal, they are some of the best people you could hope to meet and far more relaxed and gregarious than their more formal English ‘relos’.

Facebook is often the bane of a mediator’s life as it is can be used as a weapon in relationship breakdown. However, for my family it’s a window into our Australian relative’s lives. We get to see photos of the family gatherings and to see what a strong and loving family my Uncle created. My Cousin Elizabeth has 4 children; 3 boys and 1 girl. She and her husband are very family orientated and delighted in watching each of their boys form relationships and subsequently marry the women they loved. Elizabeth told me how sad she felt for her daughter who had also met the love of her life – as they were the same sex they couldn’t marry in Australia. I was outraged on their behalf, I hadn’t realised they couldn’t! What message did that give them and others? Surely it told them that their union was wrong as it couldn’t be acknowledged in law. So they flew to New York and they got married. The photos were beautiful and everyone was very happy for them – but they were denied choice. If they wanted to elope then good for them – but they should also have had the choice to marry in Australia.

Equality at last

Fast forward to life after yesterday’s decision and I understand they plan to have a marriage blessing with all their loved ones in Australia, now that they are allowed to be married in their homeland. They knew their friends and family loved and accepted them but now they know that the Australian legislature accepts them too. If my octogenarian Uncle can accept that the granddaughter he adores happens to love a woman, then so can the rest of Australian society. I say that with the greatest of respect to my Uncle who grew up in a world where same sex relationships were not common place. He has been fully accepting as he wants his granddaughter to be happy and her love for her wife has demonstrated to him that ‘love is love’. They have a small baby and that baby will grow up now in a much more accepting Australia because of yesterday’s monumental decision. Good on ya Australia! You won’t regret treating your citizens equally -only good can come from that.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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