Monthly Archives: April 2018

Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast

‘Daddydontuwalksofast’ is the twitter name of the co-founder of the group ‘Peace Not Pas‘, which says it supports, ‘shared parenting, equality for fathers and peace for alienated children who need to be raised by both parents.’ Focus Mediation recently exchanged tweets with them about co-parenting after separation.

What children wish divorced parents knew

I began thinking about the song Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast, which was a hit for Wayne Newton in 1972.

The love between the two of us was dying

And it got so bad I knew I had to leave

But halfway down that highway when I turned around I saw

My little daughter running after me Crying

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, slow down some ’cause you’re makin’ me run

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Now, it broke my heart to tell my little daughter

That her daddy had to run to catch a train

She had no way of knowin’ I was leavin’ home for good

I turned around and there she was again

As she said to me

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, slow down some ’cause you’re makin’ me run

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

If only for the sake of my sweet daughter

I just had to turn back home right there and then

And try to start a new life with the mother of my child

I couldn’t bear to hear those words again

She cried and said

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

(My daughter cried)

 

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, slow down some ’cause you’re makin’ me run

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Daddy, slow down some ’cause you’re makin’ me run

Oh, daddy, don’t you walk so fast

Songwriters: Geoffrey Stephens / Peter Callander

Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Powerful lyrics. What made the little girl’s dad turn around and return to a marriage he felt was hopeless? Did he realise in that moment just how much his daughter needed him in her life? It seems so. Today we understand that it’s not that simple – staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of a child is unlikely to be in their best interests. Of course parents should try & work through their difference before separating. However, children suffer when there is prolonged parental conflict and sometimes it’s better if parents separate.

So, what does a child need from both of their separated parents? Does parental separation have to spell a poor emotional, physical or educational outcome? Edward Kruk PH. D, family mediator & author of The Equal Parent Presumption, has collated volumes of research in this area. He says a child needs 3 essential things to flourish;

  1. A voice – they need to be heard. They are not decision makers but what they say should not be disregarded.
  2. Children must be shielded from conflict and violence.
  3. Children need to spend substantial and meaningful time with each parent.

Determining who gets residence (a dated term), rather than working out how a child will spend time with each parent, often sustains and intensifies parental conflict. Litigation focuses on each parent’s deficits and shortcomings rather than what they each have to offer their child. Edward Kruk believes that if a legal system is based on the best interests of the child, it must be evidence based. He feels the evidence must consist in part on research and the viewpoint of children and young adults who have experienced their parent’s separation. He refers to a study of over 800 young adults (age 18 and 19) who experienced parental separation during their childhood. The overwhelming consensus was that the children wanted both parents in their life. He believes this is the type of evidence that should guide policy makers, professionals and Judges.

Co-Parenting

A study from Stockholm University in November 2015 looked at the psychological wellbeing of 4,684 children. It found that children who lived with just one parent had higher levels of psychological complaint than children who spent plentiful time within the household of each parent. The children who shared 35% of their time, or more, with each parent, had better outcomes. Psychological complaints increased significantly however when those co-parents were in conflict.

For co-parenting to work there must be a reduction in conflict and increased parental cooperation. Therefore, when parents are unable to co-parent, professionals need to focus on what stands in the way of that parental alliance and consider how the parents can constructively move forward. Pitting them against one another in court is not the answer. Conflict usually escalates and the children suffer. Removing blame from the divorce process also needs to happen urgently. What a poor foundation to build a parental alliance on.

Labels – Custody, Residence, Primary Carer

Moving away from labels such as custody or residence, stops parents becoming positional and losing sight of their child’s overriding needs. When parents talk about who will have custody or residence, it invariably escalates fear and increases conflict. When we discuss how a child will share their time with parents, and how they will together co-parent that child, discussions are often more fruitful. When parents live together they don’t calculate the percentage of time each will spend with their child or argue about custody. Instead, they consider the practical need to provide care for their child and how this can be achieved in the time they each have available. Why do we widely depart from that method after separation or assume one parent must now take a much lesser role in their upbringing? A child needs both parents and each must put aside their differences to fulfil their role as a parent.

A friend was married at the weekend and her separated parents sat together at the top table and got along extremely well. I commented about this and she said she felt the huge effort they had made over the years to work at their co-parenting relationship felt like a gift. A gift indeed but something every child has the right to receive. Being a good parent extends to working hard to make sure your child never hears anything negative about the other parent, spends plenty of time with them and knows that they have your emotional permission to love them. That’s not always easy, but anything worth having takes effort and sacrifice. To me that’s real parental love.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

 

Squirrels Can’t Undo Safety pins – and they get the nuts whatever you do!

Ok it’s my turn to write the blog and all I can think about is the wretched squirrels! They have now penetrated two squirrel-proof bird-feeders in the garden. They can undo wire bags ties holding the lid down, they can chew through the string tying it down. When they failed to undo the safety pin holding the lid down, (my genius solution) they simply jiggled the whole thing until they broke the bottom and got the nuts that way. Squirrels one, Mary zero.

Squirrels Focus Mediation Blog

So I bought another squirrel proof birdfeeder. This one was really clever and I watched smugly as they attacked it in every way imaginable. The top screwed into the bottom – they could not undo that screw and separate the top and bottom, it had a very long thread, they could not get the nuts. The birds came, the tits (blue, great and coal), gold finches, the robin, sparrows, even a lesser spotted woodpecker. The crows gave up. The squirrels didn’t. I watched them come back again and again until one morning the top of the squirrel proof bird feeder was hanging there and the bottom and all the nuts in it, was on the ground. At least the bottom was, the nuts had gone. Squirrels two, Mary zero.

So how did they do it? The only answer must be they worked out they had to unscrew the top from the bottom and like acrobats in a circus they made that top spin around so unscrewing the top. I have this picture of them, tails behind in the wind, spinning around with the feeder lid until – Success! The feeder top is unscrewed and it splits in two and the prize of nuts is revealed on the ground, along with the bottom of the bird-feeder.

So what conceivable lesson is there for mediators or conflict resolution in this story of my squirrels (who are by the way enormous – fat, like overfed cats). Several actually, and anyway it’s a good story. So here are my conclusions – learned from my squirrels:

  • Never give up. However unlikely something is to work, it just may – and even really intractable disputes can be resolved if you get the right squirrel with enough persistence (did I say squirrel? – I meant mediator)
  • Just because it’s described itself as squirrel-proof it doesn’t mean it is. Just because something is described as impossible for mediation, because the parties are too far apart, or too conflicted or the dispute is intractable – doesn’t mean it is. Indeed the more emotional and irrational the dispute the more mediation has to offer, as it deals with emotions and wades into the non-legal area of feelings and beliefs the law cannot solve
  • Check the assumptions. I thought that I had squirrel-proof bird-feeders – how wrong was that? There are so many possibilities we cannot see. It took the squirrels to find them out. I expect a mediator could have done it – if they were small and light and liked nuts enough. That rules me out, too fat!
  • Someone, somewhere once said that a prisoner thinks more on his release than his jailor does on keeping him captive. That is also the case with people in conflict, which is a type of prison. The answers to our mediations are often there right under everyone’s noses. Mediators as facilitators are well placed to spot these possibilities; it is what we are trained to do – to be open, alert and tuned in – a bit like squirrels. Just as everyone else is ready to give up, there is the mediator, bright eyed and bushy tailed . . . whizzing about resolving the dispute.

By the way, all advice regarding squirrels gratefully received.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

Kids Easter Activities in Hertfordshire

  • Ware Spy Mission Treasure Trail – ‘Your super spies in training can flex their skills on the Ware Spy Mission Treasure Trail. They’ll have to prove their mettle by cracking codes and working as a team, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for a picnic!’ The Ware Treasure Trail starts at High Street, Ware, and Hertfordshire, SG12 9DJ, England. Full details HERE. Pricing: £6.99 per Trail (not per person).

Kids in Herts one

  • Geocachinghave you tried it? It’s an outdoor treasure hunt game using GPS-enabled devices like mobile phones. Download the app and explore countrywide. It’s fun, free & great exercise.
  • Hertford Museum – Easter Holiday Activities for Children. 10.30 am – 3.30 pm (last entry 3.00 pm), £1.50 per child. Week 1: Spring has sprung! Tuesday 3rd – Thursday 5th April. Make springy dancing daffodils and bouncy boxing hares with this new take on traditional spring crafts! Week 2: Keep Young and Beautiful: Loopy Locks fancy dress! – Tuesday 10th – Thursday 12th April. Celebrate the closing of our Keep Young and Beautiful exhibition with this Easter Holiday Activity. Come and create your own wearable wigs from Mohawks to bobs to bouncy curls. Add some dazzle to your look with some glammed up glasses! FREE spaces available for families on a lower income.
  • Hertford Yarn Bombers are back & have teamed up with Hertford Town Council for a special knitted Easter egg hunt. Visit the Hertford Town & Tourist Information Centre, The Wash, SG14 1PX between Saturday, March 31 until Saturday, April 14. Claim your free Easter egg by finding a minimum of 12 out of 18 bunnies hiding in shops and businesses around the town. Pick up your Easter egg hunt map at Hertford Town and Tourist Information Centre.

Kids in Herts two

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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