Monthly Archives: June 2018

How & Why Our Decisions Lead Us Astray When Separating – Part 2

In my first blog about decision-making when you split up, I looked at how instinctive decision-making can lead you astray and at how slower more rational decision-making can modify decisions made intuitively.  If you haven’t seen the first blog here it is – you may want to read it, as it is full of insights.

How and Why part 2 focus mediation blog

Fast intuitive thinking and slower more rational thinking are both utilised in mediation with a mediator helping couples get on the right track.  Mediation helps people let go of their instinctive fighting and blaming and start using slower constructive thinking to get where they need to be. Here are some more examples from real life as to how this works.

In several mediations over the years, spouses who were terrified of the financial consequences of the break-up of their marriages, variously transferred all, most or half of joint savings from accounts in which large sums of family money were saved. This is not an uncommon reaction to the panic that can occur in the early stages of a split. ‘Supposing the other spouse takes it? They cheated/left/cannot be trusted – I need to be sure I’ve got some security/it’s my money/whatever’. This can get things off to a very expensive start with potentially a court application for an order the money is repaid and then people find themselves seemingly locked into litigation over everything. Toxic, expensive, distressing frightening. Fortunately there are solicitors who think first of mediation – who make emergency referrals to mediation, not emergency applications to court. This is mostly how these cases came to mediation.

In each case we were able to deal speedily with the situation, listening carefully to each person’s agonising story. Sometimes they mediated together, sometimes separately, but in each case they realised they were each frightened of the same thing, of losing out, of being done down by the other person. We mediated safe holding positions, ground rules and with mediations sessions following swiftly on each other they were able to avoid extra court hearings and settle matters. The instinct to take the money in the first place had been flawed, but in mediation people found a way to retrieve an impossible situation, stop panicking and use rational, practical thinking to work out what to do, facilitated by a mediator.

It’s certainly the case that in these mediations that start with a catastrophe or emergency of some sort, the couples really don’t want to mediate and think it won’t work. They are pleasantly surprised when mediation does work, which is why I’m writing this series of blogs. Mediation is for people who can’t agree.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

The Archers – Shula Hepden Lloyd & Alistair Lloyd’s First Mediation

How honest is honest?

I am pleased to hear that Shula and Alistair are engaging in the process of mediation and that they have already seen their solicitors. It is important that the listening public understand how mediation can be a positive way forward for separating couples and that solicitors remain part of the process. I am optimistic and hopeful that the storyline will realistically portray mediation, as it has so far managed the separation storyline.

the archers blog focus mediation

First mediation session – steps you need to take to set up the mediation.

Ahead of the first mediation session we hear Shula talking to her Aunt Lilian about her plans for the afternoon, saying she needs to have a good think before the mediation session today.  It is not clear whether Shula and Alistair have attended a Mediation Information and Assessment meeting (MIAM), and Shula seems uncertain as to how the first session will be.

Shula reports that she has had a phone call from the Mediator the morning before because they each “have to speak to him separately” before the first session.

Attending a MIAM meeting, often days or weeks before the first mediation session, enables couples to then give proper thought and consideration to the mediation and to properly assess if it is for them. Perhaps this has happened.

Shula reports that the Mediator said, “we need to lay cards on the table and be completely honest, then the process is much smoother in the long run.”  She asks but how honest is honest?

Issues to bring to mediation

Shula asks if it would be helpful to bring in reasons why she believes the marriage broke down. She reflects that Alistair has been so desperate might it help him to understand? As Lilian wisely states: Alistair will accept your decision, he has to in the end, but he has to do it in his own speed and on his own terms and then you can both get on with the rest of your lives…

Mediation can include many issues one of which could be how best to proceed, if there is going to be a divorce, to discuss drafting of the petition perhaps and how the costs of the Divorce, the Court fee & the solicitors costs will be met.

In addition another very important part of honesty is that of full and frank financial disclosure- less easy perhaps to summarise in a short radio show, but let’s hope!

Get on with your own lives

A strength of mediation is that it can work at the pace that suits each couple. At Focus mediation we give couples all the tools and information at the MIAM that they need to be able to complete the financial disclosure themselves, and then to work through that in the mediation sessions.  Couples know what to expect and what the way forward could look like for them. We explain that the couples control the content of the mediation and the outcome, so that they can both get on with the rest of their lives.

Let’s hope Alistair and Shula can too.

Emma Bugg, Lawyer Mediator, mediates from our Hemel Hempstead & St Albans offices.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

How & Why Our Decisions Lead Us Astray When Separating – PART 1

It’s a big decision, splitting up and that’s just the start of a plethora of other decisions that have to be made as a consequence. However, it’s not just you making the decisions, but your Soon To Be Ex has to agree with you, and that’s where it gets even more complicated.

How & Why Our Decisions Lead Us Astray When Separating PART 1 Focus Mediation Blog

Instincts can lead you astray

I used to think my ‘gut instincts’ were infallible. Now I’ve read a bit about human thinking and decision-making I’m not so sure.  Fast thinking is intuitive; it literally jumps to a conclusion.  Slow thinking is more rational, taking into account a lot more information. If a decision is important then get it right. Log your instinctive decision – but check it against the opinion you have after taking time to think everything through properly, because sometimes we make mistakes when we decide things too fast and after reflecting we change our minds. This is a good thing, as it results in better decision-making. I’ve lost count of the number of times this happens in mediation – and in life generally.

I do understand – you may feel you simply can’t trust your STBX – after all you had good reason to end it, so they are bound to do you down, as then they’ll win, right?  Or – if they ended it, well, they’re obviously untrustworthy aren’t they? You may think they’re lying about the money or the children or both. You need your lawyer to protect you, to catch them out, prove you’re right and to help you get what you want? How could you possibly meet them face-to-face and mediate your way out of this mess? Impossible! No! It’s better to take arms against a sea of troubles!

Hang on a minute – mediators know how to help couples in just this situation, it’s what they do. You can have separate meetings with your mediator first and don’t have to be in the same room with your ex. Mediators help you move through the initial panic and mistrust to get at the heart of your problems quickly, which is re-assuring. Your ex may have broken faith with you at an intimate level, which hurts terribly, but they are probably just as anxious as you about the children and the money. Lawyer mediators can help you both with lots of legal information you need to have and they help you work out your options and what to do for the best.   The focus is on solving the problems of where you’ll live and how to afford everything that’s needed, on pensions and the rest of it, not fighting over everything. Older children can be included in the mediation if you and they want – and this can help everyone feel better able to make collaborative decisions which feel better and are made faster. You spend less money on the process of resolution, which in mediation is at shared cost, and so you have more left for your family’s needs.

An example of how mediation helped one couple make better decisions

In one mediation a mother was broken hearted and furious at her husband for leaving her and she simply could not face their children spending time with him with his new partner. As time passed this became untenable, as they knew the woman and quite liked her. Mum’s instincts were completely understandable – if unsustainable in the longer term. Gradually she came to realise this and although it hurt, in mediation she suddenly and unexpectedly asked the father if he and his new partner would take the children to watch a firework display. She could not watch the children on her own in the dark, but the two of them could. This turned around the whole atmosphere between them, set up a different dynamic and many other solutions with regards to their children and finances settlement suddenly fell into place. This shows how initial instinctive decisions can be wrong and how mediation can help people move on emotionally and unlock their thinking rational brain in a constructive way.  A simple (if hard) concession changed everything.  Like a domino rally other issues fell into place and rational decision-making took over with everything being settled in a problem-solving way.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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