How & Why Our Decisions Lead Us Astray When Separating – Part 2

In my first blog about decision-making when you split up, I looked at how instinctive decision-making can lead you astray and at how slower more rational decision-making can modify decisions made intuitively.  If you haven’t seen the first blog here it is – you may want to read it, as it is full of insights.

How and Why part 2 focus mediation blog

Fast intuitive thinking and slower more rational thinking are both utilised in mediation with a mediator helping couples get on the right track.  Mediation helps people let go of their instinctive fighting and blaming and start using slower constructive thinking to get where they need to be. Here are some more examples from real life as to how this works.

In several mediations over the years, spouses who were terrified of the financial consequences of the break-up of their marriages, variously transferred all, most or half of joint savings from accounts in which large sums of family money were saved. This is not an uncommon reaction to the panic that can occur in the early stages of a split. ‘Supposing the other spouse takes it? They cheated/left/cannot be trusted – I need to be sure I’ve got some security/it’s my money/whatever’. This can get things off to a very expensive start with potentially a court application for an order the money is repaid and then people find themselves seemingly locked into litigation over everything. Toxic, expensive, distressing frightening. Fortunately there are solicitors who think first of mediation – who make emergency referrals to mediation, not emergency applications to court. This is mostly how these cases came to mediation.

In each case we were able to deal speedily with the situation, listening carefully to each person’s agonising story. Sometimes they mediated together, sometimes separately, but in each case they realised they were each frightened of the same thing, of losing out, of being done down by the other person. We mediated safe holding positions, ground rules and with mediations sessions following swiftly on each other they were able to avoid extra court hearings and settle matters. The instinct to take the money in the first place had been flawed, but in mediation people found a way to retrieve an impossible situation, stop panicking and use rational, practical thinking to work out what to do, facilitated by a mediator.

It’s certainly the case that in these mediations that start with a catastrophe or emergency of some sort, the couples really don’t want to mediate and think it won’t work. They are pleasantly surprised when mediation does work, which is why I’m writing this series of blogs. Mediation is for people who can’t agree.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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