How & Why Our Decisions Lead Us Astray When Separating – Part 3

In part 1 & 2 of my blog about decision-making when you split up, I looked at how instinctive decision-making can lead you astray and at how slower more rational decision-making can modify decisions made intuitively.  If you haven’t seen part 1 & 2, you may want to read them, as they are full of insights.

How & Why Our Decisions Lead Us Astray When Separating Part 3 Focus Mediation Blog

Following part 1, I wanted to recount the ways in which mediators have helped separating couples in very common post separation crises, by helping them out of impossible situations using mediation techniques, to illustrate how mediation works. Another very common situation follows.

Frequently when couples split up they cannot afford the costs of their two households, there just isn’t enough income. This usually results in one of the following scenarios or a combination of them:

  • The ex with the higher income, let’s assume it is Jack, stops paying everything to fund his new home and life.
  • Jill then has a massive financial crisis, as she is unable to pay her bills and live. She applies for benefits if she can; their relationship deteriorates hugely.
  • Or Jack might get into debt trying to meet all the outgoings then Jill might argue it’s nothing to do with her, it’s post separation debt caused by his reckless lifestyle with his new girlfriend, if there is one.
  • Other variations include progressive reduction in payments over time as Jack tries to live within his income and limit mounting debt, as he does this it may well be Jill who gets into debt.
  • If there are children the parent they live with most of the time may apply to the Child Maintenance Service for an assessment and also expensive collection, this may well result in an assessment that is less than they need or expected, but at least it is something.
  • If it’s less then this may cause the payments to be further reduced.
  • In the worst cases this may also spill over into fighting over children.

Such couples are very frightened and come to mediation feeling angry and blaming. Instinctively they know the other person is to blame, because they have stopped paying/are spending all the money/ don’t care how they live. So here’s how we deal with this in mediation.

First we check out their incomes from all sources and what they might get if they can increase what’s coming in, if that is possible. We give them detailed spreadsheets to record their current outgoings of every type, so they can see what they need to live in the situation they are in. This may well be an interim budget, designed to last until they move into permanent accommodation that costs less. This means as they begin to understand the other person is in an impossible situation as well as them. The facts of the figures speak for themselves. Arguing isn’t going to help, they realise it needs sorting out.

It’s often necessary to make big changes to enable people to stabilise their spending within available income. The mediator helps them work out what needs to happen and time-table the changes, for example moving house after children have finished exams, with an interim higher level of maintenance reducing once the final settlement can be achieved. A bit like the game of ‘Pick-a-Stick,’ piece by piece we gently dismantle the wobbling financial edifice of the present to construct something workable for the immediate and longer term future.

It’s certainly the case that in these mediations that start with a catastrophe or emergency of some sort, the couples really don’t want to mediate and think it won’t work. They are pleasantly surprised when mediation does work, which is why I’m writing this series of blogs. Mediation is for people who can’t agree.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

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