Monthly Archives: September 2018

Mediation & Grey Hairs

I was previously a family & criminal law solicitor. I represented defendants accused of serious crimes including murder. I also advised and represented family clients in court. Many of my family clients were suffering with the shock and pain that family breakup can cause. I’m now a family mediator and mother to two boys and I feel my role as a family mediator is the hardest of all. I sometimes leave the office feeling mentally and physically exhausted as the work is exceptionally challenging.

Mediation and Grey Hairs Focus Mediation blog

A solicitor has one client and a mediator has two that are in conflict. A solicitor gives legal advice and tells a client what’s in their best interest. A mediator is impartial and must always also be seen to be impartial. A casual comment could be misinterpreted. Clients feel vulnerable and its human nature to want their mediator to be on their side. However, a mediator’s role isn’t to decide which party is in the right. It’s the complete opposite. We need to enable them to see that battling one another and focusing on a past that can’t be changed, keeps them stuck in conflict. It’s my role to facilitate conversations so they can hear each other’s needs and concerns. Separating couples need to work together to find solutions and that’s the one thing they think they can’t do. However, with the intervention of a mediator it is possible. They may be sceptical about mediation and advised by family and friends that they need to fight to get what they need. When clients can show vulnerability and lay down their weapons, they are closer to a resolution that will work for each of them. I need to ensure they each feel safe enough to do that. They need to know I have heard them, and I understand their concerns. Imagine trying to demonstrate this whilst mediating a session with two hurt and angry people who no longer trust each other and struggle to communicate.

A recent case

My clients were able to resolve their finances at their 5th mediation session. The previous sessions had been tough on both and were difficult to mediate. A husband had a long-standing affair and whilst years had passed since they separated, the wife really struggled to accept the end of the marriage. She questioned what parts of the marriage had been ‘real’ and how she could ever trust again. The husband hadn’t wanted to separate but the relationship was fractured and couldn’t be healed. The wife was a lovely lady but hurt and angry and she was unable at times to contain her frustration. Her husband apologised and said that he didn’t know what else to do to make things right. It’s such a balancing act for a mediator. Mediation isn’t therapy and we focus on the future not the past – but to ignore the past is dangerous. It’s like sticking a plaster on a cut when the blood flow hasn’t been stemmed – the plaster will fall off just when things seem to be improving. There’s also a duty to make sure that the sessions move forward and that the husband didn’t feel that they were about chastising him for the affair. Throughout the sessions I was empathetic, listened very carefully to each of them and reiterated the ground rule of respectful communication. Several times I separated them into different rooms and reminded them why they were there and what the future might look like if they reached resolution. We all persevered.

The 4th session was particularly challenging. The wife was very emotional, and her pain manifested in anger and blame. Again, I listened well to each of them until they each felt sufficiently heard to move forward. The 5th session was a culmination of their hard work and mine – it’s why I do this difficult job. The atmosphere was very different. The clients had homework between sessions and had been busy compiling mortgage information and housing options. Each came prepared to work together to try and find solutions.  Mediation had enabled them to do something vital – separate themselves from the issues arising from their separation. They were no longer blaming each other and were both trying to find solutions. They now saw the issues as joint concerns and they were beginning to build trust. They found compromises they could each live with. They thanked me for my hard work and patience and asked if I had ever encountered a more difficult mediation. I had. They joked that I would surely develop some new grey hairs.

Supporting people through a trauma is never easy. The clients had found peace and were able to plan their respective futures. As for me – I have a good hairdresser and any new grey hairs will soon be banished.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

Divorcing? 5 things you should know

  1. Divorce is a trauma and you are experiencing severe grief.

It’s important to understand that divorce grief is extremely painful but normal. You need to be patient with yourself. Most people take about two years to work their way through the grief process. 

Divorcing 5 things you should know

  1. Court proceedings often add fuel to the fire.

It’s hard to think calmly and logically when it feels like your world is crumbling around you. Scared and angry people may believe they must hire an aggressive solicitor who will fight for them. If both sides take this view and argue over every issue, then legal fees can soon mount up to tens of thousands of pounds each. Court should be an absolute last resort as it’s expensive, involves lengthy delays and is adversarial. There are other methods of dispute resolution that are far more fit for purpose and include: mediation (with or without solicitors present), medarb (a hybrid of mediation and arbitration), arbitration (you instruct a private judge to decide the issues you can’t resolve – it’s cheaper and much quicker than court) and collaborative law (you instruct a specially trained lawyer who will work with your ex spouse’s lawyer to reach a settlement). Do your research – the most expensive option is not always the best.

  1. You do have control over your future.

Clients often feel they have no control over their future. That’s not true. You can’t control how someone else behaves, but you can control how you respond. Good behaviour is often mirrored over time. When one person puts their weapons down, the other often follows their lead. It is possible to draw a line in the sand and move forward constructively. Don’t relinquish control over your future just because you can’t agree. Options such as mediation and collaborative law, allow you to make important decisions rather than a Judge imposing them on you.

  1. Remember to your children you are still a family.

When you split from a partner and don’t have children, you never have to see them again – if that’s what you want. It makes healing easier, but that ‘luxury’ doesn’t exist for parents. It’s the parental conflict or inability to communicate that hurts a child more than the actual divorce. To a child their parents are both their family whether they live together or apart. Visualise what your child will thank you for handling well when they are 21. Consider their graduation, birth of their child or their wedding. They will want both parents there – think about the long-term bigger picture. Communication will be difficult and strained initially but parents must move from exes to co-parents if children are to feel safe and secure.

  1. Know that you won’t always feel this bad.

The grief can feel all consuming and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When life feels overwhelming it’s important to take baby steps. Take one day at a time. Talk to friends and family. Consider therapy – non-judgemental listening is powerful. Make time for yourself – even if that just means a long bath or a walk. Focus on the future not the past – you can’t change the past, but you can experience a more peaceful future.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

Divorce Forums & The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

A father on a divorce forum posted a family photograph of himself, his two children and his ex-wife. Everyone looked relaxed and happy. He said the photograph represented a significant milestone. He and his ex-wife separated 2.5 years ago and for most of that time their relationship had been very strained and volatile.

Divorce Forums

During the first year of separation there had been accusations and blame. Each felt they had been badly treated and they struggled to communicate. Both believed the other had ‘changed’ and not for the better. They had each experienced feelings of anger, hurt and resentment. Year two involved each striving for peace and an end to the conflict. However there were numerous misunderstandings and frustrations. After that they agreed that it was just too draining and that they would ‘parallel parent’. Parallel parenting is an arrangement in which separated parents disengage from each other and limit direct contact. Communication is minimal and indirect. Over time they realised that this arrangement upset the children. The children felt torn between them and apprehensive about even mentioning the other parent. Slowly over the last 6 months, they began to communicate about the children again via email or text message and this progressed to weekly telephone calls. Communication continued to improve and they attended a joint parents’ evening at their eldest son’s request – he had found the separate appointments ‘embarrassing’. They spoke to each other at handover and both noticed how much the children enjoyed observing this interaction. They had slowly moved from exes to co-parents. To their children it was simple; their family consisted of mum, dad and a sibling – regardless of the fact that their parents were separated.

When parents separate they have to work their way through the grieving cycle. Often they are at different stages and this can escalate hurt feelings and miscommunication. Family mediation can assist parents when they struggle to make important decisions about their family. Rather than relinquish control and ask a Judge to make decisions for them, a Mediator can facilitate the necessary conversations that focus on the future and not the past that can’t be changed.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

Mediating Finances upon Divorce – Too Good to be True?

Clients often attend their Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting ‘MIAM’, wondering what mediation is really about. Some worry it’s about reconciliation at a time when they know the relationship has broken down – it isn’t. Other’s worry it’s a soft option and that only expensive litigation can get them the settlement they need. Mediation is anything but fluffy; it requires commitment and full and frank financial disclosure. It can be uncomfortable and challenging. However, it’s also quick, cost efficient and clients retain control of their own future.

Mediating Finances upon Divorce

Mediation is too good to be true…

A client told me that mediation sounded too good to be true. She asked why everyone isn’t doing it if it can save tens of thousands of pounds and avoid a long and often bitter court battle. Many separating couples feel that court is the only way forward as communication may be non-existent or extremely tense and they can’t agree. However that’s actually when mediation is often required and can assist. The next question is often, ‘Won’t I end up with a less favourable settlement if I don’t fight it out in court?’ Investing tens of thousands of pounds in a court process, doesn’t mean that it is the right process or the most advantageous. The courts are experiencing greater delays than ever before & a Judge, (when you finally get in front of one), is looking for fairness and how best to meet needs. It’s not about finding a winner. However to make litigation financially worthwhile clients often need to win. I encountered a couple with one asset of £500,000. One wanted a £300,000/£200,000 split and the other wanted £250,000 each. This was a particularly ugly court battle, but prior to their final hearing, each had borrowed £100,000 from their respective parents to finances the litigation. As this money had to be repaid, they had effectively reduced their £500,000 asset to £300,000. That litigation was clearly fuelled by anger and hurt. It’s very hard to walk away from a court battle when so much time, energy and money are invested

So just because you invest heavily in litigation, it doesn’t mean it’s a wise investment.

Focus Mediation was set up by Mary Banham-Hall, a highly experienced Family Lawyer. Long before mediation became popular, Mary felt that there was a better way to resolve family issues arising from separation or divorce. Our lawyer mediators know the law and we have huge collective experience representing spouses in financial proceedings. We know what’s practical and realistic and what past clients have achieved. Mediation allows clients to retain control over important decisions about their future. We fully support and encourage legal advice from solicitors. It helps clients to confidently make decisions in mediation so  their solicitor can then make the proposals binding.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

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