Monthly Archives: April 2019

Children and Court Orders Both Age!

Parents attending mediation may already have a Child Arrangements Order. This doesn’t surprise mediators. One or both may believe the existing court order is out of date. That’s a problem with child arrangements orders; they can become less relevant as the child grows older and their needs change. For example, if an order provides a toddler will spend 9am – 4pm with a parent every Wednesday, that’s fine until the child begins school. If the child starts school at 9am and finishes at 3.15pm, and the parents can’t amend and update the arrangement by agreement, then there’s a problem. Litigation is expensive and time consuming – plus it’s impractical to return to court every time an arrangement needs to be altered.

Focus Mediation Blog 25042019

Parental Conflict

When parents are in conflict, one may feel the only option is to apply to court for an order. Sometimes this is a necessary step – it depends on the individual circumstances of each case. However, a court order alone won’t improve parental communication. Court proceedings also often increase conflict as they are adversarial in nature. Some parents tell me they don’t need to communicate and it’s best they don’t. Sometimes parallel parenting, (parallel parenting is when separated parents co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner), is best for a short amount of time. However, research tells us that it’s not parental separation that causes children the greatest emotional distress; it’s prolonged parental conflict. This doesn’t just include shouting or negative conversations; children also find it very upsetting when parents ignore each other and don’t communicate at all. It can make them insecure, different from their friends and most children dislike passing messages between parents.

Our involvement with our children doesn’t end when they reach 18. Separate birthday parties might work at 7 or 8 years of age, but an 18-year-old will probably want one party with both parents present. They may also go on to graduate, possibly marry and have children… How will the events be managed? Will the adult child be forced to choose which parent can attend?

You Never Have To See Your Ex Again

If we split with an ex and don’t have children, we never have to see them again; or at least we can cross the street if we do! Co-parents share an unbreakable bond. To their child, a mum and dad will both always be family. Family mediation can enable parents to move forward and focus on the future and not the past that can’t be changed. I’m often told that it won’t work as he/she won’t listen and won’t change. I reply that if they are right, they can later tell me that they told me so. However, mediation has a proven track record and what is there to lose apart from the conflict? There’s no magic involved. The mediator is trained to improve parental communication. The parents work hard between sessions and return to discuss what worked and what didn’t. Arrangements are made that are child focused, clear and practical. Some parents later return to amend arrangements if they struggle and that’s fine. However, they often leave equipped to deal with differences of opinions, without the need for third party or court intervention.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

Divorce – It’s Your Fault, Accept The Blame

Im a Family Mediator and work with separating and divorcing clients. Before that I practised as a Family Solicitor. I have worked closely with many divorcing couples and based on that experience, I welcome Divorce Reform and the removal of blame. However, I am aware that some people fear that it will undermine the institution of marriage and make divorce too easy.

the blame game focus mediation blog

Few take the decision to divorce lightly; especially parents. Children thrive when parents together provide a loving and happy home. However, its well documented that children suffer more emotional harm from prolonged parental conflict, than from parental separation itself. A high conflict marriage is just as damaging as separated parents in conflict. If parents decide to divorce, (and of course it’s sometimes one person’s decision that the other has no choice but to learn to accept), then a divorce that removes blame, is far more child friendly. When separated parents can communicate well, children feel safe. When parents are in conflict or disconnected, children suffer. When fault is removed from divorce it will create a better foundation for separating spouses to transition to co-parenting.

A Case Study involving blame

Parents currently separated whilst under the same roof, attended mediation. They’d privately reached agreement about child arrangements and attended mediation to discuss how to share their assets. I asked if anyone had commenced divorce proceedings. The husband had applied for a divorce based on his wife’s unreasonable behaviour. He explained it was his decision to end the marriage and she didn’t want to apply for the divorce. As they had only recently separated, the only fact he could rely on was her unreasonable behaviour. The husband explained he didn’t feel comfortable about this, as they had each contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. However, he had no choice unless he waited 2 years. She said she wanted to divorce but didn’t want to divorce him or accept the blame. I gave legal information about her options but said she should see a solicitor who could advise her. She felt the most straight forward and cost efficient way to proceed, would be to agree to the divorce, but make it clear in the Acknowledgement of Service that she didn’t accept the particulars of unreasonable behaviour and reserved the right to defend them if they were raised in respect of finances or child arrangements. She felt that was a pragmatic approach, but far from perfect. I confirmed that many respondents struggle with this issue as marriage is complicated and to entirely blame one spouse is hard for that spouse to deal with. However, when we returned for the next session to discuss finances. I could tell something wasn’t right. Clients often feel tense when discussing finances as it’s so important to their future that their housing and income needs are met. However, this felt like something more. I asked the wife if she was ok and she wasn’t. She said she kept reading the divorce application and it made her angrier each time. she said her husband had unilaterally ended the relationship and stopped trying and yet she was being blamed. She felt he had cited petty things that weren’t even true. She said she had a long list of genuine unreasonable behaviour about him and she began to list it. The husband explained that they had argued continuously since she received the application. The wife demanded to know if he had shown anyone the divorce application.

I asked how their children were coping and they said they were struggling. Neither spouse could afford to leave the family home until finances were resolved. Blaming the wife in the divorce application had added to the strained atmosphere in the home. They both agreed it was intolerable to live like this. Of course, they would have suffered if no fault divorce had been available. However, blaming one spouse had added fuel to the fire and had clearly impacted the children. This isnt an isolated example. I could provide many more and I know my colleagues could too.

Let’s trust separating parents and help make a traumatic decision less strained. It’s not about undermining marriage; It’s about supporting their evolving co-parenting relationship and not damaging it.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

Kids Easter Activities in Hertfordshire 2019

  • Ware Spy Mission Treasure Trail – ‘Your super spies in training can flex their skills on the Ware Spy Mission Treasure Trail. They’ll have to prove their mettle by cracking codes and working as a team, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for a picnic!’ The Ware Treasure Trail starts at High Street, Ware, and Hertfordshire, SG12 9DJ, England. Full details HERE. Pricing: £6.99 per Trail (not per person).

Kids in Herts one

  • Geocaching – have you tried it? It’s an outdoor treasure hunt game using GPS-enabled devices like mobile phones. Download the app and explore countrywide. It’s fun, free & great exercise.
  • Hertford Museum – Easter Holiday Activities for Children. The show must go on! Tuesday 9th April to Thursday 11th April 10.30 am – 3.30 pm (last entry 3.00 pm). Dive in to the world of show business and explore the current exhibition. Make your own mini theatre stage and actors. Super Heroes! Tuesday 16th – Thursday 18th April 10.30 am – 3.30pm) last entry 3.00 pm. Become a superhero for the day and design your own mask. FREE places available for families on lower incomes. Contact the museum for information.
  • Hertford Yarn Bombers & Hertford Town Council’s annual FREE Easter egg hunt in Hertford town centre is back this Easter. Two separate Easter trails aimed at families and friends. Both trails run from Saturday 30th March until Saturday 27th April. Knitted bunnies will be hiding in shops and other locations around the Town Centre in one of the trails, and in the other will be Easter animals, chicks, characters and eggs – these will be in different shops. To take part, visit Hertford Town and Tourist Information Centre in the Wash opposite Hertford centre, to pick up trail maps. Children can participate in both trails on the same day or separate days, and there is no need to complete the hunts until 27th April. Once they have completed each hunt, collect a free sweet treat from the Town and Tourist Centre.

Kids in Herts two

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

 

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