Category Archives: Family

Children and Divorce – Walking Away

A child’s long journey towards independence starts when it is born.  A very long period of dependence follows into infancy through babyhood to childhood and beyond. Parents need to be in it for the long haul, ready to encourage independence and self-reliance, resilience, confidence and survival. Children cannot have too much love and nurturing. The more people who love and care for them, the richer children’s lives will be and the more they will learn and thrive and feel secure and capable of going out into the world and forging their own path. This is one reason parental fighting over children on divorce is so tragic and the alienation of a child towards one parent by the other is the cruellest cut of all.

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At the end of childhood, every parent proves their love in the letting go of their child, whether this is off on a gap year, to College or leaving home to begin their own lives as independent autonomous adults at some other time. Where parents split up the letting go begins earlier, when they foster the relationship with the other parent so their child can have that relationship and all it offers. Cutting out what the other parent can give is making a child do with less than they might have. The poem that follows ‘Walking Away’ by Cecil Day Lewis describes that moment in life when you watch your child start school, starting out on their education and life outside the home. It sums up so much we feel in a very beautiful way.

Author: Mary Banham-Hall, Family Mediator, Milton Keynes & Bedford

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

Children Are Not Cake – To Be Cut Up To Suit

Our children are not our belongings – they belong to themselves. If parents separate, children must not normally be cut off from a parent, who is after all half of their creation. Nor should their time be cut up in some cruel way without their feelings being taken into account to serve the sense of justice of others. Parents should ask themselves the only question that really matters “Do we love our children more than we hate each other? More even than getting what we want?”

Our children are not our belongings – they belong to themselves. If parents separate, children must not normally be cut off from a parent, who is after all half of their creation. Nor should their time be cut up in some cruel way without their feelings being taken into account to serve the sense of justice of others. Parents should ask themselves the only question that really matters “Do we love our children more than we hate each other? More even than getting what we want?” Focus Mediation Blog

If the answer to that question is “Yes!” make that mean something by helping your children maintain loving relationships with you both, so they can enjoy the richness of two parents and extended families. Listen to what they want to happen with their lives and time and don’t cut them off from half their heritage or cut up their time and lives without taking account of their needs and feelings. Child Inclusive Mediation can help if you and they agree. Meanwhile ponder this beautiful poem by Khalil Gibran ‘On Children.

Author: Mary Banham-Hall, Family Mediator, Milton Keynes & Bedford

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

 

Kids Don’t Know What’s Going On – Divorce

Parents know how perceptive children can be. Watch this clip of Tiana, a very intuitive six-year-old. Her parents had been arguing and she asked her mother to listen to her. Tiana asked both to stop fighting and be friends again. She asked them to calm down and to stop being mean. She said if she could be nice, they could be nice to each other too. She spoke about how she likes to see people smile and she likes to make people smile. She asked them to be ‘lower’ and ‘steady’. She wanted them to be respectful to one another and treat each other kindly.

Kids and divorce Focus mediation

Children Will Adapt, Don’t Worry.

People comfort separating parents by telling them that children are robust, adaptable and cope well with change. That’s dependant on the level of continuing conflict between their parents. It’s not the separation that harms children but prolonged parental conflict. If parents separate and the conflict ends and children continue to see mum and dad, then they are far more likely to adjust and cope. If the conflict continues after separation, then there’s no respite for the children. The arguments no longer take place in the home and so some parents think the children aren’t aware that it continues. That’s rarely true. Even if parents stop communicating, their children will be aware of the tension. I will never forget a teenage girl explaining to me that her parents didn’t talk and that this was just as painful as when they had argued. She felt so lonely when one parent dropped her off and she walked to the other parent’s home. She knew they were both watching her and didn’t want to upset either parent. She didn’t know who to look at or how to deal with their inability to communicate as parents. Before I became a Family Solicitor and then Family Mediator, I never really believed that so many children really blamed themselves for their parents’ divorce. Why would they? Now I know that when parents are separated and finances resolved, the only issue left to disagree about is often child arrangements. If a child hears their parents arguing about them, why wouldn’t they assume they are the cause?

Let Children Heal.

Separated parents grieve for their relationship and the loss of their family unit. This process takes time. If parents are unable to separate their past relationship from their future need to communicate as parents, children will suffer emotional harm. Its that’s simple. If parents can put their child’s needs first and communicate in a respectful manner, trust and respect between them as parents can build. Children feel safe when their parents can communicate. They can then adapt to divorce without suffering permanent emotional harm. A parent recently told me that she forces herself to think of her ‘ex’ as her daughters’ father. When she thinks of him in those terms, she has a
begrudging respect for him as a good father. When she ‘slips’ she thinks of him as her ex and gets angry about the way he treated her in the past. She said it required a great deal of discipline, but she forces herself to be respectful and remember that just because she feels he was a bad husband, doesn’t mean he is a bad father. For children to heal they need time and all manifestations of their parents’ conflict to end.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

Co-Parenting after Separation 2019

The fundamental principle, when dealing with cases involving children, is that their welfare is paramount and their best interests must come first.

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Sometimes parents dealing with their own emotions forget their children may also be suffering. Their lives will change and it isn’t always appreciated how much an impact a separation can have on a child. If their parents are in constant conflict it will hurt and upset them. This can lead to anxiety and depression. A child can be burdened by parental conflict and an acrimonious separation can affect their schooling, peer relationships and their emotional well-being, even into adulthood.

What do children need?

To:

  • be loved and supported.
  • feel safe and secure.
  • have routine and stability.
  • have a relationship with both parents.
  • see their parents communicating and co-operating.
  • have their wishes and feelings considered.
  • have a voice –to be heard.

How can mediation help separating couples make arrangements for their children?

A mediator can assist by helping parents to discuss how to care for their children and how to communicate with about those arrangements.

The first decision to be made is where the children are to live and if they are to have a principle home or an arrangement for shared care. Whichever arrangement is chosen, details will need to be discussed, so that the children can spend time with each parent. The mediator and parents will concentrate on establishing a structure for the children to spend time with both parents, with some flexibility. If the children are old enough and want to have a say – this is possible in mediation.

Reasonable notice should always given for any changes to the agreed routine. The key to successful co-parenting is good communication between the parents. Mediation helps you work out what form of communication will suit you best.

A Focus mediator will take parents through the various arrangements that may apply. Weekends, what is to happen during school holidays (Easter, Summer and the three half terms). It is important arrangements for Christmas are decided on and this can be very difficult, also what is to happen when special occasions arise that might affect the children’s planned routine.

How can a child have a voice in mediation?

Focus Mediation offers Direct Consultation with children, with specially trained DBS checked mediators, if both parents and the children agree to this. The children will meet with the mediator to discuss their wishes and feelings and the mediator will relay back to the parents what the child wants to say. This often helps a child who is worried about speaking to their parents directly.

Co-Parenting Plans

Once decisions have been made about the arrangements for children a Co-Parenting Plan can be prepared by your mediator, setting out details of all issues referred to above. This document sets out the arrangements that parents intend to follow with their children.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

Controllers – Do They Come in Pairs?

Often in mediation we see the couple separately for their first meetings. This gives people an opportunity to be very frank and open about their situation. Often one will say “S/he’s a controller, and I’m unsure I can cope with mediation!” Then the other person comes and says the same. What might be happening? Each clearly feels they’re not getting their way enough. They have come to resent and oppose the control or influence involved in being part of a couple. Whether this is reasonable or unreasonable is a matter of opinion.

Contollers - Do They come in pairs? Focus mediation blog May 2019

So for example, if Harry went out alone to the pub every night, their partner might object, then Harry might complain of being controlled, but who would be at fault?

What if John complained Sally spent too much money on shoes and the family had a huge debts and Sally had 1000 pairs of shoes? Sally might say John was controlling, if he tried to stop Sally buying shoes, but would his actions be inappropriate and who would be at fault?

These exchanges are the overt text, the surface conversation. What is really going on is what I call the subtext and it is the subtext that is so interesting. It is a matter of opinion whether there are inappropriate control issues as opposed to an expectation of a reasonable conversation about something important with the person with whom you share your life. A conversation might be initiated by the so called controller in the hope of influencing the other person to change behaviour which they feel is threatening the foundation of the relationship. Whether this attempt to influence or control is reasonable or unreasonable is depends on your point of view. If the relationship is strong these exchanges are productive, useful and keep the relationship on a sound footing. If the relationship is struggling, the exchanges may become aggressive, negative, recriminatory or  accusatory. Things may have gone too far for the couple to put things right, however much talking they do. Perhaps reasonable exchanges about what is fair and right in a relationship needed to be had years before, before the situation became irretrievable. So influencing your partner through rational discussion is vital to a healthy relationship. This is appropriate and to be expected.

However, it is easy to think of situations where one person is seeking to control the other inappropriately. Examples might be trying to prevent them seeing their friends and family, to cut them off from other relationships, force them to eat, drink or dress in a certain way, or control their conversation, thoughts or beliefs. These would be issues where controlling behaviour would be inappropriate and usually wrong. So accusations of control need exploration and not just to be accepted at face value. We need to unpick the behaviour behind the assertions and ask what is really going on.

So people should change their understanding of the word ‘Control’ and dig deeper. They should think about what is really being asked, is it a reasonable or unreasonable request?

At the point where the so called controller says, in answer to a question about a request: “OK, it doesn’t matter, it’s not important.” there are two possibilities:

The first is just that it’s not important

the second is in getting close to terminal – they giving up on both on their partner and the relationship, it doesn’t matter any more. Then they may well find themselves in family mediation, quite possibly with me, saying “My ex is a controller . . . ”

Author: Mary Banham-Hall, Family Mediator, Milton Keynes & Bedford

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

Getting the most out of Family Mediation

Here’s our guide to help clients get the most from their family mediation sessions.

Getting the most out of mediation focus mediation

  • Choose a good mediator

How experienced is your mediator? You can ensure they are highly qualified if they are Family Mediation Council Accredited. The accreditation process is lengthy, and mediators must complete an extensive portfolio evidencing their competency and expertise. Can a friend or your solicitor recommend a mediator? Many Focus Mediation clients are recommended to us by our previous clients. Check your mediator’s website and their reviews. Is the website informative and helpful?

  • Write down your concerns, hopes for the future and any questions.

At the Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting ‘MIAM’, the mediator will ask you about issues between you and your spouse. They assess whether mediation is suitable and explain how mediation works. Its also your opportunity to consider whether mediation may assist you. Keep an open mind. Most people have a rough idea of what mediation involves, but the MIAM often dispels several mediation myths. Write down your concerns, hopes for the future and any questions. Emotions can run high and this will enable you to ensure you cover what is important.

  • Resolving Finances

Come prepared. The mediator at the MIAM will provide you with a file containing the documentation you need to complete so you can correctly disclose your assets, income, liabilities and pensions. The better prepared you are the more productive the sessions will be. If you haven’t valued the family home or obtained a mortgage redemption figure, then this will halt discussions about how to deal with it. If you struggle to complete paperwork, ask a friend or family member to assist. There are also helpful guides online.

  • Ground Rules

You and your spouse make all the decisions in mediation and not the mediator. However, the mediator manages the sessions and asks you to agree to ground rules that apply to the session and perhaps even outside. An important ground rule is respectful communication. For progress to be made its important to listen and to be heard. Mediation isn’t about convincing the mediator that you are right and your ex is wrong. Mediation focuses on the future and not the past that cannot be changed. This particularly applies to the division of finances. The court rarely considers the conduct of parties and is far more interested in finding fairness and trying to meet the needs of each person, as best it can. Its hard, but do listen to your ex. By listening you may be able to clear up misunderstandings that have arisen from poor communication.

  • Where’s the compromise?

People go to court to win but the court doesn’t look for a winner and a loser – it tries to meet both your needs from the available resources. Mediation only works when there is some ‘wriggle room’. It won’t work if each person tries to impose their will on the other. So where can compromise be found? Think about what matters most to you. Where can you afford to make concessions? It’s a scary time but try to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Where will they live? How will they pay their bills? Ask your solicitor what advice theyd give your spouse. If they advise you that you should receive 85% of the assets, would they have told your spouse (if their client) they should receive only 15%? It’s important to receive realistic advice.

  • Stay Open Minded

Explore all options. If you are asked to explore your mortgage capacity, but don’t feel you can afford the repayments, bring information about this to the sessions. You might find it is a viable option. If it’s not, then without this evidence it can’t be ruled out. Meditation allows you to reach creative and tailor-made arrangements. What works well for your family, might not work for another. When we are fearful, we can become positional. However, when we are willing to explore all options, it can lead to proposals that work well.

  • Can’t communicate – don’t worry.

Clients often worry that their poor communication will rule mediation out. However, that’s exactly when mediation can assist. A negotiated settlement requires parties to work together to find solutions to problems they believe can’t be resolved. The mediator is skilled at facilitating positive communication and enabling couples to move forward. Yes, the sessions are difficult; but client’s efforts are very well rewarded. We often find that the sessions improve communication and that this can in some cases provide a form of closure and peace.

  • Be patient and don’t give up.

Mediation is voluntary but needs your commitment. If each threaten to leave if they don’t like what’s said, then mediation will fail. Be patient, trust that whilst the issues you face are new to you and often very painful, that similar issues have been resolved many times before in mediation. You are treading a well-worn path. Your mediator can get you both to the finish line; but you must commit to the process and not allow yourself to dwell too much on the past that can’t be changed. You don’t need to agree on the past; you just need to draw a line on it and focus on resolving the issues standing between you and a happier future.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

A Safe Place to Talk? – 2019

Has talking to each other become impossible? Are the things you’ve got to sort out too difficult? Does it feel as if there’s a brick wall between you that you can’t bring down?

Mediation offers a safe, neutral environment in which you can tackle your impossible problems. The kids. The money. Where you are each going to live. The mediator structures your conversation, sets ground rules so that no-one feels put down by the other one, makes sure you each say what is on your mind, and – critically – makes sure the other person has heard and understood it.

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Focus mediators are trained and practised in addressing any power imbalances. They are completely neutral: they don’t take sides. Most importantly, they are non-judgemental. Nothing shocks them. The mediator keeps you focussed on the plans you need to make for your future, rather than dwelling on the past. She uses her wealth of experience to help you both knock down that wall and build a future.

However, this ideal scenario can be knocked for six if a couple comes to mediation intent on playing out their battles in front of an audience. Mediators can help people for whom talking has become difficult, but they will find it nigh-on impossible to help people who insist on dominating the process, no matter how many times the mediator repeats the ground rules of ‘no shouting, no interrupting, no threatening, no undermining’. Mediation can only help those who want it to work and are willing to set aside their old habits, under the mediator’s guidance. The mediator has a right to end the mediation if she feels the process is being abused.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

Children and Court Orders Both Age!

Parents attending mediation may already have a Child Arrangements Order. This doesn’t surprise mediators. One or both may believe the existing court order is out of date. That’s a problem with child arrangements orders; they can become less relevant as the child grows older and their needs change. For example, if an order provides a toddler will spend 9am – 4pm with a parent every Wednesday, that’s fine until the child begins school. If the child starts school at 9am and finishes at 3.15pm, and the parents can’t amend and update the arrangement by agreement, then there’s a problem. Litigation is expensive and time consuming – plus it’s impractical to return to court every time an arrangement needs to be altered.

Focus Mediation Blog 25042019

Parental Conflict

When parents are in conflict, one may feel the only option is to apply to court for an order. Sometimes this is a necessary step – it depends on the individual circumstances of each case. However, a court order alone won’t improve parental communication. Court proceedings also often increase conflict as they are adversarial in nature. Some parents tell me they don’t need to communicate and it’s best they don’t. Sometimes parallel parenting, (parallel parenting is when separated parents co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner), is best for a short amount of time. However, research tells us that it’s not parental separation that causes children the greatest emotional distress; it’s prolonged parental conflict. This doesn’t just include shouting or negative conversations; children also find it very upsetting when parents ignore each other and don’t communicate at all. It can make them insecure, different from their friends and most children dislike passing messages between parents.

Our involvement with our children doesn’t end when they reach 18. Separate birthday parties might work at 7 or 8 years of age, but an 18-year-old will probably want one party with both parents present. They may also go on to graduate, possibly marry and have children… How will the events be managed? Will the adult child be forced to choose which parent can attend?

You Never Have To See Your Ex Again

If we split with an ex and don’t have children, we never have to see them again; or at least we can cross the street if we do! Co-parents share an unbreakable bond. To their child, a mum and dad will both always be family. Family mediation can enable parents to move forward and focus on the future and not the past that can’t be changed. I’m often told that it won’t work as he/she won’t listen and won’t change. I reply that if they are right, they can later tell me that they told me so. However, mediation has a proven track record and what is there to lose apart from the conflict? There’s no magic involved. The mediator is trained to improve parental communication. The parents work hard between sessions and return to discuss what worked and what didn’t. Arrangements are made that are child focused, clear and practical. Some parents later return to amend arrangements if they struggle and that’s fine. However, they often leave equipped to deal with differences of opinions, without the need for third party or court intervention.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

Squirrels Can’t Undo Safety pins – and they get the nuts whatever you do! – 2019

Ok it’s my turn to write the blog and all I can think about is the wretched squirrels! They have now penetrated two squirrel-proof bird-feeders in the garden. They can undo wire bags ties holding the lid down, they can chew through the string tying it down. When they failed to undo the safety pin holding the lid down, (my genius solution) they simply jiggled the whole thing until they broke the bottom and got the nuts that way. Squirrels one, Mary zero.

Squirrels Focus Mediation Blog

So I bought another squirrel proof birdfeeder. This one was really clever and I watched smugly as they attacked it in every way imaginable. The top screwed into the bottom – they could not undo that screw and separate the top and bottom, it had a very long thread, they could not get the nuts. The birds came, the tits (blue, great and coal), gold finches, the robin, sparrows, even a lesser spotted woodpecker. The crows gave up. The squirrels didn’t. I watched them come back again and again until one morning the top of the squirrel proof bird feeder was hanging there and the bottom and all the nuts in it, was on the ground. At least the bottom was, the nuts had gone. Squirrels two, Mary zero.

So how did they do it? The only answer must be they worked out they had to unscrew the top from the bottom and like acrobats in a circus they made that top spin around so unscrewing the top. I have this picture of them, tails behind in the wind, spinning around with the feeder lid until – Success! The feeder top is unscrewed and it splits in two and the prize of nuts is revealed on the ground, along with the bottom of the bird-feeder.

So what conceivable lesson is there for mediators or conflict resolution in this story of my squirrels (who are by the way enormous – fat, like overfed cats). Several actually, and anyway it’s a good story. So here are my conclusions – learned from my squirrels:

  • Never give up. However unlikely something is to work, it just may – and even really intractable disputes can be resolved if you get the right squirrel with enough persistence (did I say squirrel? – I meant mediator)
  • Just because it’s described itself as squirrel-proof it doesn’t mean it is. Just because something is described as impossible for mediation, because the parties are too far apart, or too conflicted or the dispute is intractable – doesn’t mean it is. Indeed the more emotional and irrational the dispute the more mediation has to offer, as it deals with emotions and wades into the non-legal area of feelings and beliefs the law cannot solve
  • Check the assumptions. I thought that I had squirrel-proof bird-feeders – how wrong was that? There are so many possibilities we cannot see. It took the squirrels to find them out. I expect a mediator could have done it – if they were small and light and liked nuts enough. That rules me out, too fat!
  • Someone, somewhere once said that a prisoner thinks more on his release than his jailor does on keeping him captive. That is also the case with people in conflict, which is a type of prison. The answers to our mediations are often there right under everyone’s noses. Mediators as facilitators are well placed to spot these possibilities; it is what we are trained to do – to be open, alert and tuned in – a bit like squirrels. Just as everyone else is ready to give up, there is the mediator, bright eyed and bushy tailed . . . whizzing about resolving the dispute.

By the way, all advice regarding squirrels gratefully received.

Author: Mary Banham-Hall, Family Mediator, Milton Keynes & Bedford

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

The Power of Listening when in Conflict

A friend asked me for advice as she was experiencing difficulties making child arrangements with her child’s father. She felt he was making fairly big decisions without consulting her and they had argued. I couldn’t mediate for them as I knew them both. They had arranged to meet to discuss their issues. She wanted information about the law. She frantically made notes and said she had prepared a rough script covering her main concerns so she didn’t get bamboozled. My advice? I told her to rip the notes up and to tell him she really wanted to listen to him and hear how things felt from his perspective. I told her not to interrupt him and to listen to learn and not to reply. I said it would be hard, but she shouldn’t try and defend herself or reply until he had finished. At that point she should summarise what he had said to let him know she had heard him and to check she had understood him correctly. She thanked me but I knew she was thinking, ‘is that it?’ That really is it though! Listening is key. When we actively listen to someone they feel heard and far more willing to then listen to us.

Speak Less, Listen More

Speak Less, Listen More

My friend called me after their meeting. She said she had very reluctantly kept her notes in her bag and followed my advice. ‘It worked!’ she exclaimed. ‘I listened even though at one point I had to sit on my hands to stop myself interrupting. After I listened and summarised how I felt he felt, he listened to me – I mean he really listened.’ She said she told him what she had told him many times before; but for some reason this time he actually listened and took on board her concerns. They had stopped talking at each other and were now talking to each other.

When we have conversations we often miss much of what is said as we are busy listening only to respond. If we listen to learn then misunderstandings can be cleared up then and there, just by asking some simple questions or seeking clarification. It requires curiosity and is a skill that has to be developed. Next time you feel that a conversation is deteriorating, stop and ask the person to repeat what they have said as you aren’t sure you understand. Very often this can stop a situation escalating. When clients come to me they have invariably stopped listening or they don’t listen well enough. I’m guilty of this too at times. However, I know the key to resolving communication issues is to remind myself that I need to speak less and listen more.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

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