Category Archives: Mediation

Why should I forgive my ex?

You feel hurt, angry and confused. You want an amicable divorce or separation, but you don’t feel you know your ex anymore. What will they do next? Trust is a distant memory or has been seriously eroded. You struggle to communicate at all.  How on earth can you resolve child arrangements, housing needs, maintenance and pensions? It all feels insurmountable.

Issuing court proceedings for finances or child arrangements is likely to throw petrol on to the fire.  Sometimes it’s the only option – but those situations are rare. Giving evidence against each other and cross examination creates a war you have to win. Yet the reality is that there are seldom any winners. A judge must find fairness – fairness doesn’t manifest itself in the form of a huge victory for one against the other. How can it, when the Judge needs to consider meeting both your needs and the needs of the children? Don’t take my word for it, look at the evidence. 84 family courts have closed or are closing at a rate of knots and legal aid is almost non-existent. The Ministry of Justice doesn’t want you there – they know it’s not the place for families. The MoJ and the judges know family mediated agreements have longevity and are more likely to be complied with. People are far more likely to stick to agreements they have made.

Why Should I Forgive my Ex

Many couples mediate – but why don’t more? Some fear their settlement will be less advantageous than a court imposed decision. That’s wrong – and even if you were to get a court decision slightly weighted in your favour, what about the legal fees? They are likely to be many thousands of pounds, which makes a big hole in any advantage. Some couples struggle to pick up the phone and arrange mediation, as they are too hurt and angry. They just can’t forgive and need to feel vindicated by the court. When an affair is involved or you just haven’t been treated well, this is often the driving force behind litigation. You can and should have legal advice throughout the mediation process – and your lawyer will tell you that it is well settled that behaving badly is not relevant to the division of finances or the children at court. So other than being able to avoid a painful, protracted and expensive court case, why else should you forgive your ex?

Your reward for forgiveness

  1. Forgiving your ex benefits you

Forgiveness is the key to moving forward – without it you will remain stuck. Forgiveness isn’t a selfless act – letting go of negative thoughts will allow you to feel more positive about your future.

  1. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, condoning or tolerating bad behaviour

Letting go of resentment will make you feel more at peace and can help to stop you feeling your ex has any control over you. You can’t change how they behave but you can change how you respond to them and how you let it impact you.

  1. Stop waiting for an apology

Clients often tell me that they just need an apology or at least an acknowledgement that they have been wronged. As a mediator I have had the privilege of facilitating some genuine and well received apologies, not something that happens any other way.  Acknowledgment of feelings and hurt is a frequent component of mediation, which builds real understanding between separating couples. Interestingly, they seem to occur when the recipient and I least expect them! However, to heal you need to accept that you may never receive an apology and even If you do – you may find that it doesn’t feel as complete or sincere as you had hoped.

  1. Children suffer immeasurably from parental conflict

Children who experience prolonged parental conflict are less likely to meet educational and developmental milestones. They are also less likely as an adult to maintain a long term relationship with a spouse. Children blame themselves and can suffer from low self-esteem, which can adversely affect many aspects of their lives. Ask yourself – what do your children mostly see you both argue about? Is the answer ‘them’? If so to the children it’s simple – they are to blame! Forgive your ex so you can move forward and let your children flourish.

  1. Negative feelings can damage your physical health as well as your mental wellbeing

Negative emotions and reliving hurtful experiences can cause symptoms from headaches, fatigue and high blood pressure to back and neck problems and reduced immunity.  Holding on to negative feelings hurts you more than your ex.   

  1. Forgive or risk anger turning into bitterness

If you don’t release the negative emotions, they can turn to bitterness and this can feel toxic to those around you. You become unable to enjoy the things that used to make you happy – you see life through a bitter lens.

So how do you forgive an ex? 

  1. It’s ok to admit that your ex really hurt you

Acknowledging the hurt that was inflicted upon you is not a sign of weakness. Consider keeping a diary or writing letters to yourself and explore your feelings, hopes and wishes. The process can be cathartic. Committing the feelings to paper can be the first step to leaving them in your past. Set yourself some small goals; perhaps you will promise to walk the dog every day and get some fresh air and exercise.

  1. Decide not to live your life as a victim of your separation

Consider what the painful process has taught you. Are there any positives? In the early days they can be hard to find – but new beginnings are often disguised in painful endings. Jo Woods, often referred to as long suffering former wife of ‘Rolling Stone’ Ronnie Woods, recently spoke about her devastation when Ronnie had an affair and left her after 23 years of marriage. She said she eventually realised it was for the best. One day she had an epiphany whilst struggling to reach the summit of a mountain. At the peak she decided to forgive Ronnie as she realised that to do so would set her free. She is quoted as saying, “Ronnie, I forgive you. I’m not willing to spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to be strong and I’m going to make the most of the rest of my days.’

Quote by Jo Woods from the Daily Mail

The Child Maintenance Service – suggestions for reform

We are not talking about the majority of non-resident parents, who mostly pay all they should pay and often more. We are talking about those parents who are determined to avoid supporting their children, even when they could easily afford to do so.  They see the avoidance of supporting their children as a type of game – or a battle, perhaps because they want to do the other parent down, to ‘win,’ even though as a result their offspring suffer. We saw this in the recent case of the pensioner father with over £5m in assets who avoids supporting his son by depressing his income. He does this by not earning or drawing from his pension funds or paying support from his capital.

Child Maintenance Service

There are sadly too many such cases. The self-employed working for cash and under-declaring their income to HMRC may pay little child support on the low income the tax authorities are aware of. Worse still are those who don’t work and live off substantial capital investments and gains. They may pay virtually nothing to support their children and be millionaires. The tax-payer props up their families with tax credits and universal credit. Unfair.

Judge Mostyn is calling for reform. The government say it is too complicated to make it fair for everyone. Yet there are some simple options as follows:

  1. Capital gains inside and over the exempt amount for Capital Gains Tax (CGT) must be declared on your tax returns. This could be added to income and child maintenance could be levied on it. If not in all circumstances, in cases where maintenance of less than a certain amount is being paid
  2. Child maintenance could be payable from unearned income such as rent and dividends, interest and the rest of it. It’s already payable on pension incomes – but some people avoid drawing their pension income to avoid paying child maintenance, so
  3. In circumstances where no child maintenance or very little is being paid, it should be ordered as a percentage of the capital value of the liable parent’s pensions. 3% would arguably be right.

If the parent responsible for supporting their child won’t co-operate, then there must be penalties that benefit the child. So in the event of non-disclosure and failure to co-operate then there should be power to order an attachment of a pension fund or other asset, such as a bank account. Much of the requisite information will be on such wealthy parents’ tax returns. Many of them would not defraud HMRC – this being a criminal offence for which they could be jailed. We also need a public information exercise. Not supporting your children is unacceptable and anti-social. Society and children deserve better.

Summer Activities for families in Bedford & Bedfordshire

  • Box End Park, Kempston, Beds. Kids Aqua Multi Activities boxendpark.com Tel: 01234 846222

‘Box End Park is a truly unique destination within the UK. Incorporating an amazing, giant Aqua-park, premium Water-ski and Wakeboarding facilities, a lakeside bar and restaurant and meeting and function rooms. We offer brilliant activities for both adults and children. Click on the links below to learn more about what you can do.’

  • Woburn Safari Park. Road and Foot Safari with soft play area, railway, high ropes, outdoor play area, plus handle and meet the animals info@woburnsafari.co.uk Tel: 01525 290407
  • Open Air Theatre Swiss Gardens, Old Warden, Beds – Wind in the Willows show; Friday 25 August 2017. Gates open 5.30pm and show starts at 6.30pm. Tel: 01767 627933
  • Open Air Theatre Bedford Park, Bedford – Wind in the Willows Saturday 2 September 2017 Tel: 01234 351104
  • Bedford Town Centre Beach and Children’s Fare, Harpur Square, Bedford. 6 to 13 August 2017. Punch and July shows and rides. Free entry. Tel: 07976 813639
  • Higgins Gallery and Museum Castle Lane, Bedford. Free entry to museum on Fridays and after 4pm Tuesday to Thursday. Family drop in sessions for Arts and Crafts and museum tour. 22/23/25/29/30 August and 1 September. Times 11am/12noon/2pm/3pm for 1 hour. Price £2.70. No booking required. Children must be aged 3 and above and must be accompanied by an adult. Separate exhibitions include Edward Bawden (Artist and Designer) Shorts Brothers (Airships built in Bedford) and Art of the Victorians. higgins@bedford.gov.uk Tel: 01234 718618
  • Wimpole Hall, Arrington SG8 0BW Tel: 01223 206000 National Trust owned hall and farm. Junior 2 KM park run every Sunday for ages between 4 and 14 years. Free. Meet the animals at Home Farm and walk in the park on Wednesdays through the summer holidays from 11am to 1pm. Free. Harvest Folk and Farm to include music, songs and celebration from 28 August to 3 September  2017 between 2-4 pm (Tel: 0344 800 1895)

Bedford Summer Activities for Kids 2017

  • Jungle Jims 5 Tyne Road, Middlefield Industrial Estate Sandy Beds SG19 1SA. Indoor play centre. Tel: 01767 682808
  • Whipsnade Zoo, Dunstable Beds LU6 2LF. 2,500 rare and exotic animals. Be a keeper for the day and explore the animal trial. Tel: 01582 872171
  • Bird of Prey Activity Farm , Herrings Green Farm, Cotton End Road, Wilstead, Beds MK45 3DT. Tel: 01234 742362 Pat a Pet. Owl Flying. Shire Horses
  • Lego Brick Wonders, Stockwood Discovery Centre, London Road, Luton. Lego recreating sights and monuments from around the world. July 22 to 3 September 2017. Tel 01582 878100
  • Magical Fairy Trails at the Swiss Gardens, Old Warden, Beds 1-31 August 2017 enquiries to shuttleworth.org
  • Gulliver’s Theme Park, Summer Finale with fireworks in the evening on 2 September 2017 gullivers.co.uk

 

Gingerbread & Mostyn J call for urgent reform so parental capital is taken into account by CMS

Mr Justice Mostyn has again called for urgent child maintenance reform. He is frustrated that some asset rich non-resident parents pay nothing or as little as £7 per week child maintenance. Since the child maintenance reforms 5 years ago, a non-resident parent’s assets are no longer taken into account when calculating child maintenance as only taxable income is included. The result is that in a significant minority of cases, there is a loophole that allows a wealthy non-resident parent to avoid taking appropriate financial responsibility for their child.

Green v Adams May 2017 EWFC 24

Green v Adams May [2017] EWFC 24

In May 2017, Mostyn J heard an already heavily litigated case between unmarried parents. The mother who was on a low part time income and in receipt of tax credits, made an application for singular items of capital provision for her 16 year old son under Schedule 1, to the Children Act, 1989.He awarded lump sums amounting to £20,600 to cover current capital needs of the son (car for mum, laptop, trips…) His father, 65, owned properties valued at over £5,000,000, had substantial savings and a pension fund of £1,350,000. He had already taken a pension tax free lump sum of £450,000 in the tax year 2011/2012. Father’s child maintenance payments were based on his state pension as that was his only income for the purposes of the Child Maintenance Service’s (CMS) calculator.  He lived with his elderly parents as their carer and in n return they ‘kept’ him. Mostyn J questioned at what point he would receive an income from his pension ( Mostyn J calculated it to be £70,000 per annum). Father said he had to wait until he was 67.

Mostyn J felt he was evasive and could receive the pension income immediately if desired. Under current child maintenance rules, the court can only award periodical payments under schedule 1 to ‘top up’ child maintenance payments if the CMS has awarded a resident parent the highest child maintenance award. As this wasn’t the case, and as mother had not been married to father, her only option was to apply under schedule 1 for singular items of capital expenditure. Mostyn J said ‘for reasons which I cannot fathom the assets ground of variation has been removed from this latest regime. Therefore, it is possible, as in this case, for a father to live on his capital, which may be very substantial indeed, and to pay no child support at all.’ He went on to say that he felt the ‘parsimonious approach’ to the support of his son was little short of scandalous. He called for the urgent reinstatement of the old rules to take into account a parent’s assets.

Action since Mostyn J’s call for urgent child maintenance reform

Conservative MP David Burrows on behalf of the mother raised the issue in parliament and proposed a bill to ensure that assets were taken into account in future. He said, ‘the boy should not be made to pay the price of low child maintenance contributions simply because the father has a clever accountant who can help to hide his assets.’ Gingerbread, a charity which promotes equality of single parents has produced a report ‘children deserve more; challenging child maintenance avoidance’. Click here for the full report.  The report states that the child maintenance service’s loophole denies children the financial support they deserve. It explains that the CMS is supposed to calculate and when necessary enforce the payments that children need. However, the reforms have instead prioritised administrative convenience over all other concerns. It believes the system lets resident parents down. In particular, it is critical of the decision to base the child maintenance calculation on gross taxable earnings or profits as reported to the HMRC. It highlighted how paying parents with often considerable assets can end up paying a bare minimum, since several sources of income aren’t taken into consideration. In other cases, self-employed parents are able to get away with under-reporting their income in order to reduce their payments. It argues that the CSA was not fit for purpose and nor is the CMS. It said, ‘Parents who believe they are receiving less than their children are entitled to frequently complain about being stonewalled by the CMS, or being kept in the dark about their options. Since the calculation is based on HRMC information, single  parents often find themselves being passed back and forth between the two organisations, with neither taking responsibility for re-evaluating the calculation.’

Gingerbread Director of Policy Dalia Ben-Galim went further and said, ‘Up and down the country, loopholes in the child maintenance system are allowing parents to deny their children the essential support they need. Some are deliberately hiding their income, while others can perfectly lawfully escape with income or assets ignored; some are cash-in-hand labourers, while others are multi-millionaires. But in all these cases, single parents now have to collect evidence for a system that continually obstructs them. It’s not enough that they juggle being breadwinners and homemakers – they are now forced to become private detectives as well. Unless there is an urgent change, these injustices will continue indefinitely.’ Gingerbread is calling for the government to set out a clear strategy for tackling child maintenance avoidance and evasion, including far greater co-ordination between the CMS and HMRC when assessing incomes and greater support for parents who wish to challenge assessments.

Green v Adams August [2017] EWFC 52

The case returned before Mostyn J regarding consequential issues arising from the principle judgement.  Mostyn J again bemoaned the abolition of the assets ground of variation and urged the government to consider its reinstatement. He said he had read with interest the Gingerbread report.  He said the report recorded that the CMS had explained that, compared to the CSA, the scope of income which could be captured by a possible variation had been widened to include almost all sources of gross income identified in the self-assessment process. The author of the report he said rightly pointed out that this was a non-sequitur because the assets ground of variation was focussed on people who arrange their affairs so that they do not have any income but who rather live on their capital. He said the relevant minister then said that the CMS doesn’t attempt to provide a unique, bespoke solution in respect of the care of each child, as it would be prohibitively expensive and time-consuming to do so. Mostyn J argued that the scheme should strive to provide solutions in every case and that ‘justice should not be sacrificed on the altar of managerial efficiency. Ease of administration surely does not furnish an objectively reasonable justification for a process that allows a multi-millionaire father to get away with paying child support for his son of a mere £7 per week.’ He concluded that if the ground is not reinstated that he could foresee more cases seeking singular awards of capital and the family court taking an ever more expansive view of what constitutes singular expenditure.

We wait to see what happens next. However, Mostyn J is clear that without CMS reform the courts may look for ways to provide more generous capital awards to remedy the unfairness some children and their resident parent face.

Why mediation?

The National Audit Office Report into Family Mediation in 2007, found that mediation was better for families than litigation and was also faster and cheaper than court proceedings:

National Audit Office Report into Family Mediation 2007 (download here)

“Mediation is faster, cheaper and less adversarial than the courts – it is the duty of legal advisers to tell clients about mediation, but they have a financial disincentive to do so and many bypass it.” N.A.O. 2007.

1/3 clients interviewed by the NAO had not been told about mediation by lawyers – of which 40% said they would have tried it.

Mediated legal aid case                                                       Non mediated legal aid case

£754                                                Average Cost                  £1682

110 Days                                        Duration                         435 Days

Why Mediation NAO

The N.A.O. concluded the Legal Services Commission should promote mediation. In 2014, the government introduced the compulsory Mediation Intake Assessment Meeting, which had to be undertaken prior to issuing court proceedings for ALL applicants to the family courts.  MIAMs are intended to help separating families hear how they can resolve their arrangements in mediation before applying to court. Many people then choose to mediate.

The purpose of MIAMs (to help people avoid the stress, costs and delays of litigation), is being eroded by MIAMs being bypassed wholesale. The courts are failing to enforce the requirement for the MIAM, even though many people attending a MIAM will mediate. Now MIAMs are being subverted into token online processes that do little to fulfil their original purpose of a very worthwhile pre-issue safety net.

The market bias towards court proceedings is faltering and more disputants are coming direct to mediation. They realise that fighting may feel best but it rarely is best. For those who still think they will get a better result at court. The fact is that the reverse is mostly true because:

  • In property and financial cases couples often spend more than the value of the difference between them in costs. If the net assets are worth £500,000 and there is a starting point of equal division – and you are likely to spend £20-25,000 each getting to trial – so a tenth of your joint assets on litigation, when only a tenth might be at issue! Money you need to house your family has gone. Mediation fees are likely to be under a tenth of legal costs and mediation is FAST.
  • In children cases, litigation turns parents into opponents in an adversarial process which damages their ability to co-parent effectively
  • In civil cases people routinely spend more than their cases is worth on costs, e.g. £300,000 costs over a £4,000 dispute over drains in a garden! There is no pre-proceedings requirement to see a mediator in civil litigation, consequently a tiny number of civil cases mediate an agreement, despite costs and time savings

Focus mediators are accredited, experienced and mediation is what we do – day in day out. There are different types of mediation and different ways of working, because one size does not fit all cases. Come and meet us and help us understand your situation and dispute thoroughly – then we can consider together potential routes, timing and options to help you settle matters.

Good Value Mediation

People sometimes ring us and just want a price list, the assumption being all mediators are the same and the price is the determining factor. Clearly if you stop to consider for a moment, this is not the case.

However, it is hard to explain in a brief telephone call why Focus mediators are best value, so we sometimes email this information to inquirers. The facts are:

  • Focus family mediators are Family Mediation Council accredited (FMCA) or are working towards that Gold Standard, a hard won accolade following substantial mediation experience and training.
  • Focus family mediators are lawyers by background and they keep up to date with the Law so are better equipped to give clients good quality legal information about the range of options relevant to their situation. This means that in family cases we can offer excellent legal information + mediation.
  • Our mediators are specialist mediators with a wealth of experience to help them to help you. They mediate full-time, honing their skills and building their repertoire every mediation they do. Conducting the odd mediation sometimes is not the same thing.
  • Focus mediators benefit from heavy-weight support in house, including, four full days a year devoted to professional practice issues and sharing team knowledge and experience.

Good Value Mediation

Clients share the cost of mediation – and it takes a fraction of the time it will take to get to court. As a rough guide it costs about an eighth to a tenth of the costs of proceedings and a trial. That is surely good value. We also know mediated agreements are more likely to be kept than imposed decisions – simply because people are more likely to do what they’ve said they’ll do. So if you compare mediation with litigation it is extremely good value and costs less in terms of money, emotions, stress and time.

Focus mediators understand the psychology of conflict and the natural human instinct to fight your corner – which actually costs the most and does the most damage – and takes longest, often locking people into a mind-set of conflict that can have them litigating repeatedly over years over anything and everything, because they just don’t believe anything can be agreed. We are committed to helping you sort things out fast, with the minimum acrimony and suffering. All this is surely good value.

Online Mediation

In family disputes or anything more complicated than a simple disagreement over a refund or similar – remote electronic mediation creates barriers to communication and meeting your mediator face to face is infinitely better. Online may save on rent, time and travel, but when it results in a poorer understanding, then it is a false economy.

Communication critically engages a wide range of senses and exchanges, many non-verbal, some unconscious and instinctive. We are still studying human interactions; they are so complex and multi-dimensional.  Misunderstandings and conflict are frequently caused by miscommunication and miscuing. One of the mediator’s main tasks is interpreting and managing communication and interpersonal exchanges.  Digital exchanges are inevitably limited and not as effective.  Face-to-face, people can read nuances of expression, voice and body language.  Focus mediators think savings from online or Skype MIAMs or mediation are a false economy and we do not recommend choosing online mediation if it could take place in person.

Mediation intro 2

Whilst we sometimes conduct MIAMs or mediate online – we are clear about its limitations. Clients find it more difficult to tune in and technology can be a tricky distraction. Nonetheless, sometimes there may be good reasons to work online, despite its problems, so Focus mediators will do online MIAMs in the following circumstances:

  • You have had a face to face MIAMs or your mediation broke down and your FM1 certificate has expired (a form signed by a mediator confirming to the court you can issue proceedings as you have attended a MIAM); we can do a remote MIAMs and re-issue the court form
  • One of you lives at a distance and the only feasible way to mediate is electronically – this is a joint decision following a practical analysis of your situation

Anyone who wants or needs their FM1 to go to court will of course get it. A court application may often be needed, e.g. to force the engagement of the other party in any process to sort out a dispute.  However, you can also consider with the mediator how mediation might help later in the shadow of the court time-table, so ending costly and lengthy litigation. A proper MIAM gives you vital information and insights to help you – why bypass that?

Our Philosophy

Focus mediators are specialists and mediation is what we do, so we have a wealth of experience of resolving conflict at our fingertips. We offer online MIAMs to some of our clients where this is appropriate.  We know the best way to help most separating couples is to help them to mediate in a way they can manage and sort out their problems fast in mediation. Court is expensive and slow.  It is a destination of last resort for most families.

A Focus Mediation MIAMs is thorough. We will listen carefully to you and get an understanding of your problems from your perspective – and if you want/need to go to court, then we shall give you the FM1 form to make your application.  We shall explain the various options to you thoroughly, so you have a clear understanding of the full range of non-nuclear options for resolution, including during court proceedings, so if you’re litigating you don’t end up feeling you’re on a runaway train with no way out until trial. If you are going to mediate you will be given a welcome pack full of resources relevant to your situation, so you can get off to a flying start in your first session of mediation. All this for £100 + VAT or £150 + VAT if you come to a joint MIAM. Why go online if you don’t have to do so, how can it be better?

Online Mediation – why we believe in face-to-face mediation

We know poor communication is at the heart of misunderstandings and causes conflict. Understanding and managing this conflict is vital to mediation and resolving disputes.  Digital communication impedes what mediators do, making it impossible to use many mediation techniques.  Face-to-face, people can read nuances of expression, voice and body language.  Trying to establish a rapport with someone online significantly hampers understanding, interpreting dynamics and in the mediator’s case assessment and explanations are harder. We think savings from online mediation or MIAMs are a false economy and the concept is flawed.

Whilst online mediation and assessment for mediation can work for simple complaints and disputes – such as faulty goods, agreeing a refund and simply providing a neutral post-box for communication between disputants to resolve something simple. Most cases are not that simple and need the full range of mediation interpersonal skills. Occasionally, the only way to sort things out may be via Skype – if people are in different countries, for example. However, it is much harder and if a meeting is possible, why would you not mediate in person and have those advantages?

Mediation Intro pic

Frequently people think they are arguing about a specific issue or point of law. More often the root of the problem is emotional, fear and mistrust. In family cases, with their complex dynamics – remote electronic mediation is a poor substitute for meeting your mediator. Whilst it can reduce costs (specifically rent, time and travel) you are less likely to find it satisfactory.  It is less likely to work. So when it is important to sort something out – why ask your mediator to try and do it with one arm tied behind their back and a patch over one eye, if not both? It’s like going to the gym and sitting in the changing room with your coat on, refusing to meet your coach except via a screen. Why would you?

Focus mediators will offer online mediation in limited circumstances – not because we can’t do it, because we can and we have helped clients online when they are abroad, or a long way away, but it is not ideal. We don’t advise to use online mediation because it does not help people access what they most need, which is our full and present attention to them and their problems – and how best to resolve them face to face.  Then all senses, instincts and intuitions can be engaged and documents can be explained and handed over, with notes made during a conversation where two minds can meet without difficulty.

Survival of the Fittest: Interpersonal skills and communication:

I recently attended a three day conference which looked at attachment, neuroscience and the effects of stress and trauma on a person’s ability to communicate.

One of the key messages of the conference reminded me a lot about the role of a good mediator.

The first speaker, a psychologist and neuroscience researcher called Louis Cozolino told us about the neuroscience of interpersonal relationships.

Louis drew our attention to the gaps between neurons called synapses. These gaps are not empty spaces. They are filled with a variety of chemical gasses which are busy carrying out complicated interactions which result in ’synaptic transmission’. This synaptic transmission stimulates neurons to grow, to survive and to be effected by that experience.

Brain_-_14600401142

Aboutmodafinil.com Picture by Allan Ajifo

Louis then said that social communication is the same. It takes place in the gaps between us; the social synapses: a smile, a wave, eye contact, body language. These all transmit messages via the gap between people. These messages are received by our senses and translated into electrical and chemical signals within our nervous system. Causing us to be able to engage, converse, think, work things through. Or alternatively to panic, shut down, retreat.

So, you can start feeling really terrible really quickly if the social interaction is not good.

A good mediator can ‘rescue the dynamic’ by communicating across the synapses to regulate the behaviour of the other person. By modelling a certain behaviour and letting the mirror neurons do the rest, the mediator can become an ‘amygdala whisperer’, bringing an element of calm to fraught people and situations.

A good mediator will be aware of the effect of the social communication that he or she models and brings into the room.  Where the people in the room are on a high state of alert, prepared to wrestle over children/finances, the mediator can be steady, balanced and they can listen in a consistent and assured way, letting the people in the room know ‘ it is OK. You will be heard.’

Try it at home. When you partner, daughter, friend turns up enraged, anxious, stressed out, try using the social synapses to bounce some positive messages through. Really listen to what they say. Reflect back what they have said calmly and in a balanced and measured way. You may be surprised at the change as you become the amygdala whisperer. Soothing and helping them to regain their balance.

Another speaker quoted, an evolutionary biologist and genetesist called Theodosius Dobzhansky who said: ’the fittest may also be the gentlest because survival often requires mutual help and cooperation.‘

Food for neuro-thought!

 

“Power parting”

According to a certain magazine, the divorce euphemism ‘conscious uncoupling’, made popular by actor Gwynneth Paltrow during her separation from musician Chris Martin, has been cast aside by today’s disengaging celebrity couples in favour of the more dynamic ‘power parting’.  Over here in reality, the leader of our crumbling family courts system has proposed a similar notion to help stop the family justice system’s continuing slide into overburdened chaos.

Sir James Munby, the President of the Family Division of the courts in England & Wales, has written that he would like to see a swift administrative split between the process of divorce and the process of making a financial claim after divorce.  He indicates that he feels the government’s centralisation of divorce processing has led to significant problems with the number and allocation of finance and property disputes, and as a result the administrative and practical burden on the family courts has increased at a time when the system is already stretched.

Sir James would also like to see the family financial court forms and processes simplified, so no matter what kind of application someone needs to make in law, there’s one form and one procedure. As the courts are inundated with a flood of people seeking complicated financial orders without legal advice or assistance, simplifying the process will mean less time is taken in court amending application forms, drawing out the specific problems needing solutions, and explaining in detail what those solutions might be.  He would like to see a network of expert financial remedies courts set up to deal with relationship-based money claims.

divorce-2321087_1920

These proposals make good sense. However, this is all tinkering around the edges of a fractured system.  We are in a position where financial claims after divorce and separation are taking many months to get to a first directions appointment, increasing costs exponentially for those with lawyers, and exacerbating pressure and stress for everyone involved – including, in many cases, for children.

Mediation is also unquestionably a tough process, but it provides a sensible and practical alternative to court for former partners who need to sort out what happens next in financial and property terms.  Rather than waiting for months to start to get things sorted out, you can get an appointment in the next couple of weeks and start making decisions that will move you toward resolution.  Rather that spending money on solicitors’ letters to your ex, you can spend it on using your solicitors to support the mediation process when you choose: to ensure you know what’s in your interests and what’s fair, and to assist you in making your own decisions. You remain in control in mediation, in contrast to a court process that can make you feel that everything is sliding away from you.  An impartial and specially-trained third party mediator can help you talk together with your ex in a businesslike way, to find solutions that are fair and work for both of you and any children.

If you don’t fancy court proceedings to sort things out with your ex – and few people do, knowing the current constraints of and pressures on the system – remember, you have choices. Mediation with a specialist lawyer mediator who understands law and finance, and can give you sensible information to help you make the decisions that are right for you, really is worth investigating.