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Divorce: Do you need to lay blame on the other person in Divorce Proceedings? Should the Law be updated?

Under the current law (Matrimonial Causes Act 1973) you must show to the court that your marriage has broken down irretrievably. Our divorce laws are primarily concerned with you having to prove blame and that the breakdown of the marriage is due to the fault of your husband/wife. The proceedings can be lengthy and you can encounter procedural difficulties making the whole process stressful and confrontational.

divorce do you need to lay blame on the other person in divorce proceedings focus mediation blog

To prove the breakdown you must prove one of five factors:-

Adultery

You must show that your husband/wife has been involved in a sexual relationship with a member of the opposite sex. You must blame them for the breakdown of the marriage. Difficulties may occur if your husband/wife will not admit to the adultery. This can cause delay in proceedings and finding evidence to substantiate the allegation may not be possible. It is often best to obtain written confirmation that the adultery is admitted before proceeding with the petition. You are able to name the ‘other person’ in an adultery petition. However, this brings another party into the proceedings and one who will need to admit to the adultery. This can cause potential delays and unnecessary complications and is not required. Also, if you are made aware of the adultery and subsequently continue to live with your husband/wife for six months or more then you cannot issue proceedings based on that adultery.

Unreasonable Behaviour

You must show that your husband/wife has behaved in such an unreasonable manner that you cannot be expected to continue to live with them. You must blame them for the breakdown of the marriage. What is and what is not unreasonable behaviour can be very subjective. However, you must show to the court, in a written statement in your petition, that your husband/wife has behaved in such a way that an ordinary/average/reasonable thinking person would consider the behaviour to be unreasonable.

Unreasonable behaviour can take many forms but the most common include:

Domestic Abuse – physical, verbal, sexual, undermining, threats, possessiveness, control, insults, blame, deprivation.

Social problems – drug taking, alcohol abuse, criminal activities.

Financial concerns – financial irresponsibility, lack of contribution, increasing joint debt, controlling, secretive.

Desertion

You must show that your husband /wife has left you with the intention of ending the marriage and had no reason to do so. You must blame them for the breakdown of the marriage. Proceedings cannot be issued until two years after your husband/wife deserted you. This reason for divorce is rarely relied upon as it is difficult to prove. It is usually only used in cases of ‘absolute’ desertion i.e. when no trace of your husband/wife can be found.

A two year separation period

Many couples choose to rely on a two year separation period as they do not have to prove any blame against the other person. However, the other person must give their consent, in writing, to the divorce. It is possible to divorce on this basis even if you are living in the same household. However, you must prove that you have lived completely separate and apart within that household. To include not sleeping together or eating together or doing each other’s household chores i.e. washing, ironing, cleaning and shopping.

A five year separation period

This is the same as a two year separation period except that you do not need the written consent of your husband/wife. In fact it is the only way to divorce without agreement or consent.

Is an overhaul of the Divorce Law needed in modern society?

For a number of years there have been suggestions and discussions upon how to move towards ‘no fault’ divorces. The blaming culture of divorce has led to continued conflict, stress and difficulties which have impacted on the participants and their children.

A Government consultation for the reform of the divorce laws took place between September and December 2018 and its outcome is awaited. Generally, the amendment of the law to a ‘no fault’ divorce system will strive to ensure that couples are able to consider the implications and change their minds if need be. To ensure there is support for them and their children and that the process is future focusing. It is hoped that any changes will be implemented in the shorter term and that they will prove to be quicker and less stressful than the existing proceedings. It is thought that only ‘irretrievable breakdown of the marriage’ will need to be shown and contesting the proceedings may not be possible.

The proposed changes in the divorce law will sit well with family mediation. Mediators try to bring couples together to sort out arrangements for their children and their finances with less:

Acrimony

Animosity

Confrontation

Antagonism

Stress

Anxiety

………… and less blame.

Author: Elaine Clarke, Family Mediator, Bedford.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

 

 

Mediation – I Can’t Afford It!

We know the feeling: Christmas has used up all the money and there’s nothing but bills in the post.

i cant afford it focus blog jan 19

But the fact is, if you are reading this blog, you are going through some sort of separation or divorce, and you are wondering what sort of professional help you should get. The last thing you want is an open-ended arrangement where costs mount invisibly with nothing to show for them except a huge, unexpected bill …

At Focus Mediation, we make two things absolutely clear: mediation is cheaper than using lawyers to negotiate your settlement, and all the costs are known in advance.

Why is it cheaper? Because you each pay half our hourly rate. When you pay a lawyer to represent you, you pay the entire hourly rate. With both of you there in the room with the mediator, you share it. It’s that simple. So, a lawyer might charge you £280 + VAT per hour (this varies, of course, and some offer fixed fee packages). We charge each of you £140 + VAT per hour.

We also charge you at the same rate for any documents we draw up: your Financial Statement, which captures all your figures in one place, and your Memorandum of Understanding or Parenting Plan, which records your Agreement.

We do NOT charge for emails or phone calls.

So, the typical cost of mediation looks like this (costs are per person, but will vary according to time actually taken):

One session of 1.5 hours sorting out arrangements for your children: £252 including VAT. Simple Parenting Plan £168 including VAT.

Three sessions of 1.5 hours sorting out your finances: £756 including VAT. Two documents for your financial settlement: £504 including VAT

We make all these costs clear at the start. You book your sessions at times to suit your budget, and you pay at the end of each session, so it’s pay as you go, going at your speed to suit your purse. No hidden costs, no deposit up front, nothing that you don’t know about and agree to.

We always recommend you consult your lawyers for personal advice, and you will need them for your financial Consent Order, but by using mediation for your negotiations, you definitely save money.

And if you reflect on the fact that a typical court case will set you each back £10 – 20,000, there isn’t much more we need to say ….

Author: Caroline Friend, Family Mediator, Oxford.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

What advice would you give to a close friend experiencing divorce?

At Focus Mediation our Lawyer Mediators collectively have many years of experience supporting separating or divorcing couples. We asked them what advice they would give to a close friend experiencing divorce.

Mary Banham-Hall

Mary Banham-Hall FMCA – Family Mediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer

You and your children will hurt enough without fighting, so don’t let conflict take over. Remember what’s important and focus on that. ALSO Working out what to do together helps you both and is definitely the way to go. Yes, it’s hard but worth it – and with a mediator’s help you can do it!


Emma Bugg

Emma Bugg FMCA – Family Mediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer

I would recommend they read the Separated Parents Information Programme ‘SPIP’ and Resolution “Helping parents to help children”  handbook and to read as many other resources as possible to find out how best to navigate a way forward that works for their children and enables them to continue their parenting role as best they can.


Jane Leadbetter

Jane Leadbeater – Family Mediator

Try mediation. It can help you to resolve issues quickly and at much less financial and emotional cost than negotiations between solicitors or court proceedings.


Rachel Lander

Rachel Lander – Family Mediator

Lots of people seek the support of counselling when their marriage breaks down.  A counsellor can really help you in working through the difficult feelings and emotions that you may face.  In turn this can assist you in approaching practical issues, such as where you will all live, how the bills will be paid, emotion – and money – and add to your stress.  There are many alternative ways to civilly reach agreement with your ex: mediation (coupled with advice from a solicitor as the mediation progresses) will provide a forum to explore issues, future pension provision etc., in a more pragmatic and calmer way.

Remember that you don’t have to ‘fight’ or ‘have your day in court’.  Both of those approaches will drain you of much needed energy in a safe environment and to reach proposals that in a lot of cases can be put before the court by post and made into a binding court order.

If there is an insurmountable blockage that can’t be resolved in mediation, then consider arbitration as an alternative to court proceedings.  An independent arbitrator who is picked by you and your ex (usually an arbitration trained Barrister or Solicitor) will act like a Judge, on a private basis, and can deal with matters in a more flexible way than traditional court proceedings including incorporating mediation into the arbitration itself.


Elaine Clarke

Elaine Clarke FMCA – Family Mediator

Don’t rush into agreeing anything. Mediation will help you – it’s a cheaper alternative to court – but also be guided by legal advice. I believe with the help of a mediator, separating couples can make their own arrangements for separating, rather than battling through the courts. This is usually much better for them and their families, as well as being quicker and costing less, both financially and emotionally.


Sara Stoner

Sara Stoner FMCA – Family Mediator

Feeling hurt and angry is normal and to be expected. You can’t change the past and you won’t agree on it. Focusing on your future enables you to move forward and find peace. A court battle won’t make you feel any better and you will regret wasting so much time and money. Don’t dismiss mediation just because you don’t get along. Mediation is a safe space to have difficult but necessary conversations that you haven’t managed to have. Decide your own future and resolve matters quickly and cost efficiently. Your children need you to sort out finances so they aren’t caught up in a toxic situation. It’s not the divorce that harms children; it’s the prolonged parental conflict.


Caroline Friend

Caroline Friend FMCA – Family Mediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer

This is one of the worst times in your life, so don’t be surprised if you are overwhelmed with difficult emotions. The trick is to try to put those emotions on one side when you are looking at your financial settlement, and when you are making arrangements for the children. So far as finances go, maybe jot down how you would like your life to look
in one year’s time; two years time, five years time: generate some thoughts on how you can best develop your independence while supporting the family. As for the children: what do you want to avoid; what do you want to aim for for them? How would you like them to look back on this difficult period in their lives? What can you do to make sure they continue to grow up with good relationships with both their parents and
don’t feel caught up in the conflict?

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

A positive message for children during a breakup – 2018

Driving to work on my way to mediate with a separating couple, I heard a song playing on the radio by James TW called, ‘When you love someone’. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bf3CJZ4hvg. The song is about a child’s parents splitting up. The video is cinematic and well worth a watch (please follow the link). The parents talk to their son and tell him everything will be ok. James says he wrote the song after a young drummer he was teaching told him his parents were getting divorced. He said in a statement to Huffpost, “The first thing I thought was how are they going to explain it to him in a positive way and one where he would understand. I wanted there to be a song that he could listen to which would make him feel better about everything that was going on.”

children-breakup-hutterstock_483300238

The Lyrics;

Come home early after class

Don’t be hanging ’round the back of the schoolyard I’ve been called up by a teacher. She says she can’t even reach you ’cause you’re so far. You’ve been talking with your fist. We didn’t raise you up like this, now did we? There have been changes in this house. Things that you don’t know about in this family. It don’t make sense, but nevertheless. You gotta believe us, it’s all for the best It don’t make sense The way things go Son you should know

Chorus

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love. Sometimes two homes are better than one. Some things you can’t tell your sister ’cause she’s still too young. Yeah you’ll understand When you love someone

There ain’t no one here to blame

Nothing’s going to change with your old friends. Your room will stay the same ‘Cause you’ll only be away on the weekends. It don’t make sense but nevertheless You gotta believe us, it’s all for the best It don’t make sense It don’t add up. We’ll always love you no matter what

Come home early after class

Don’t be hanging ’round the back of the schoolyard And if we’re crying on the couch Don’t let it freak you out. This has been so hard.

The video depicts a teenage boy’s parents having a number of heated arguments at the end of their marriage whilst he watches the marriage unravel. The boy doesn’t know how to handle his emotions and gets into trouble at school. Eventually he breaks down and cries and his mother comforts him. She then drives him to see his father and watches as his father hugs him and reassures him. The message is a positive one. The reality is that 1 in 2 marriages fail and inevitably many children will experience their parents breaking up. Sometimes it is better for parents to live in separate households, as they can then be happier individuals and better parents.

It’s vital that children aren’t drawn into any arguments, confided in or asked to take sides. They need to be shielded from any hostility. The best way parents can help children to feel safe and secure is to continue co-parenting their children. That’s not easy when parents may be feeling hurt, angry and scared. Mediation can help parents improve their communication, plan their futures and find some peace. Children need their parents to do this as soon as possible so they know that they will be ok and that both their parents will still be there for them.

At Focus Mediation, we have specially trained mediators who can talk directly with children so they can have a voice and this helps them to feel heard and understood. Call us today to take the first step towards a more settled future for your family.

Some useful resources for helping children during separation:

Family Lives

Young Minds – Parents Guide to Supporting Your Child During Divorce or Separation

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

 

 

 

Difficult Conversations

I’ve just finished a book called “Difficult Conversations”*. I feel as if I’ve been given the key to a whole set of cupboards that have been locked for a long time. Here’s what is says:

Most of us put off having difficult conversations with our friends or family or colleagues because we are afraid of what might happen. What if the other person takes it badly? Reacts angrily? Ends the friendship? Fires us?

Difficult Conversations focus mediation blog

So the other person’s annoying or disappointing or insensitive behaviour continues to fester, and you continue to hold it against them. You either punish them with silence, or with crotchety attitudes, or you take the bull by the horns and accuse them of what they’re doing wrong in such a way that they feel pushed into a corner which they have to defend; they fight back and the whole thing gets confrontational and goes horribly wrong.

What is the point of having a difficult conversation? It’s not to create a fight. It’s to clear something up that’s getting in the way of a loving or friendly or constructive relationship. This book offers strategies for ensuring that, when you pluck up the courage to do something about the problem, you can engineer a positive outcome by following a three-stage pattern.

What Happened

You start by exchanging views on what happened, so that you can see each other’s version of events. The two accounts are often very different, which can shed light. The other person may tell you things you didn’t know about the background to what they did: something that happened behind the scenes that affected their behaviour with you.

How it made you feel

Then you can each describe the emotional impact of the incident. Here, you have to be careful not to accuse; instead, simply explain the feelings that arose in you as result of the behaviour. You each need to listen to the other and try to empathise with how they felt. If you don’t do this, those feelings of, say, resentment or loneliness will continue to colour everything: get them out, make sure they’ve been heard, and they will recede.

How it affected your opinion of yourself

Lastly, be open about how the incident or behaviour attacks your identity. You’ll need to have worked this out before you start the conversation. Did their behaviour leave you feeling you are a bad mother/husband/colleague? If those identities are important to you, they will be why you have been so shaken. So, let them know how important it is to you that you do a good job in that role and how you want to mend things so you can improve.

The learning conversation

Now you can see how you have contributed to the bad blood between you (because you’ve listened to what they’ve told you about what you did and how it made them feel), and you understand their contribution better. Ask them what they suggest you can both do from now on to improve matters between you. In other words, turn the conversation into an appeal for some shared proposals that will help you both mend matters.

The book is littered with excellent examples of Difficult Conversations; ones that need to be had, ones that go wrong, ones that work out well. There are numerous situations that ring bells, whether it’s in your marriage or with your parents, your children, your house-mate, your sibling or your boss. There’s practical advice and even some coaching. It’s succinctly written, very witty, very clear, and very wise.

If everyone put it into practice, there’d be no need for mediation!

* Difficult Conversations: how to discuss what matters most by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Author: Caroline Friend, Family Mediator, Oxford.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

Mediation won’t work, do not pass Go, go directly to Court

Many divorcing spouses believe they need a Judge to divide their marital assets, or they risk losing out. They know litigation is hugely expensive and adversarial, but they believe that ultimately it’s the only viable option for them. A stay at home mum/dad may feel they need to fight to keep the house.  A mum/dad working full time may believe they will lose all / the majority of the equity in their home and half their future salary, if they don’t battle in court. Full time working parents may also worry they will be penalised for working so hard – what if they aren’t portrayed as involved and loving parents? There’s no doubt that each of these scenarios is frightening.  ‘Arm yourself with the best solicitor you can afford and fight for what’s yours, is often the collective advice from friends and colleagues.

Mediation won_t work do not pass Go go directly to Court

Will litigation really secure the best outcome?

As a former family solicitor and now a full time family mediator, I believe litigation is rarely the best option for a family. The reality is they will each spend tens of thousands of pounds protecting ‘what’s theirs. The process is lengthy and adversarial. Parental communication will be tested to the absolute limit – never good for children. Mediation saves many thousands of pounds in litigation fees. ‘But we don’t get on – he/she hates me and wants to take me to the cleaners!’ Mediation is voluntary and so it won’t be suitable in every case. However, there’s a misconception that couples have to get along for mediation to work. Not so. Quite often clients haven’t spoken for many months or their communication is extremely strained and difficult. It doesn’t mean mediation isn’t suitable. There’s no secret or magic to mediation. It’s for couples who understand that the most efficient way to resolve finances and child arrangements is to resolve the issues together – but they can’t.  Mediation is a process that enables conflicted couples to avoid court and maintain control of their own future. At what other point in our life would we relinquish control of decision making about our future? Happily married but can’t agree on the best school for your child – would you ask an outside agency to decide for you? Thought not. Divorce shouldn’t prevent self determination.

How does it work?

Couples who need a financial settlement come to mediation and the mediator ensures they provide full and frank financial disclosure. If one party isn’t as familiar with the finances, then time is spent ensuring they are fully informed and clear about what the finances consist of. Our lawyer mediators are used to dealing with financial disclosure and checking every stone has been turned. Once full disclosure has been completed, we strongly recommend each client sees a solicitor for ‘goal post advice’. Goalpost advice means your solicitor gives you a range of possible settlements, “this is the lowest, this is the medium and this is the best you can hope for”. It’s very important to ask your solicitor what they would advise your ex if they were their client. It’s highly unlikely they’d tell them they must give up all equity, savings, pension and half their income. So asking this question ensures the advice they give you is realistic and meets everyone’s needs. The starting point is 50/50 and the court has a duty to try and ensure that each parties’ needs are met, as far as reasonably possible given the resources available. That’s actually why litigation often disappoints – as the costs are so high, someone needs to win. The court however isn’t looking for winners.

Reaching agreement.

When clients return to mediation after receiving ‘goalpost advice’, we explore their respective capital and income needs and consider options.  Communication slowly improves over the sessions and clients work together as problem solvers and find solutions they can both live with. There are more assets available as they haven’t been reduced by expensive litigation costs. Their solicitor will then make the proposals binding.

Find out more about mediation at a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAMs) with one of our experienced lawyer mediators. Clients can attend together or separately. It’s full of useful information and a great starting point.

Author: Sara Stoner, Family Mediator, Broxbourne & Potters Bar

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations: Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk

 

The Grieving Cycle and Relationship Break Down

When a relationship breaks down one party leaves and wants to separate. The person who is left can feel angry, abandoned, a high level of anxiety, hurt and a sense of loss. These feelings are similar to those we experience during bereavement and the separation and divorce process can be very like the grieving cycle. It is intense – love turns into anger, anger into sadness and despair. Deeply hurt, we lash out, get a solicitor, apply to the courts and try to hurt the one who hurt us. The result is usually emotionally and financially catastrophic.

In discussing death, Dr Kübler-Ross identified stages of grief that can be aligned to the emotions experienced during a relationship breakdown: shock, denial, hope, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Stages of the Grief Cycle Focus Mediation Ltd

When couples engage in mediation one partner may be more recovered emotionally and ready to negotiate child contact and/or finances. The one who is still trying to adjust the breakdown of the relationship may well be lurching through the emotions of anger, bargaining, depression denial and hope. The emotions loop and intertwine as understanding of the situation is explored, but time is a great healer. Although both partners may be at different stages of adjusting to the separation, mediation can facilitate that adjustment and understanding and help the separating couple focus on the future. Parents are encouraged to communicate and consider the impact the separation is having on their children and their ability to build a future as separated parents.

Understanding where you are in the cycle of emotions and that there will be a moving on and recovery helps in the recovery process. Mediation is a humane way of sorting everything out, allowing each of you to proceed at the pace you can cope with and in a problem solving way, without becoming opponents in a fight.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (11 Locations; Milton Keynes, Bedford, Broxbourne, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford).

Read more about family mediation at:  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

 

Good on ya Australia!

Same-sex marriage will become legal in Australia after a historic bill was passed in the House of Representatives yesterday. Almost unanimously MP’s voted to change the current Marriage Act after their Senate also reached the same decision. There were celebrations in Parliament and across Australia. This had been a hard fought campaign by the LGBT community and its supporters. The Prime Minister Malcolm Turnball said “What a day for love, for equality, for respect, Australia has done it.” In Just a few days’ time their Governor General will approve the bill – paving the way to it becoming law.

Good on Ya Australia Focus Mediation

Why does it matter – isn’t marriage less popular than ever?

But isn’t marriage just a piece of paper? Does it really matter? More heterosexual couples live together without marrying than ever before. So why is it so important? In one word – Acceptance. We all need to be accepted for who we are. I believe yesterday’s decision will make life a lot easier for many gay couples, their children and extended family. It will be harder to discriminate against someone based on their sexual orientation. However it’s the ripple effect that will have the most impact on society. When the Law says something is fair and just then society tends to accept that view over time. A child born today will never experience anything other than marriage equality in Australia. They will grow up knowing that same sex couples can marry just as heterosexuals can and Australian Law says that’s fair and just.

I know a £10 POM

I have an interest in yesterday’s decision. My maternal Uncle (now in his 80s), was a £10 Pom and left England for new beginnings at the tender age of 16. He met and married the love of his life, worked hard and raised a loving family. I have met many of my Australian relatives – there’s a lot of them! Other than the fact that they support Arsenal, they are some of the best people you could hope to meet and far more relaxed and gregarious than their more formal English ‘relos’.

Facebook is often the bane of a mediator’s life as it is can be used as a weapon in relationship breakdown. However, for my family it’s a window into our Australian relative’s lives. We get to see photos of the family gatherings and to see what a strong and loving family my Uncle created. My Cousin Elizabeth has 4 children; 3 boys and 1 girl. She and her husband are very family orientated and delighted in watching each of their boys form relationships and subsequently marry the women they loved. Elizabeth told me how sad she felt for her daughter who had also met the love of her life – as they were the same sex they couldn’t marry in Australia. I was outraged on their behalf, I hadn’t realised they couldn’t! What message did that give them and others? Surely it told them that their union was wrong as it couldn’t be acknowledged in law. So they flew to New York and they got married. The photos were beautiful and everyone was very happy for them – but they were denied choice. If they wanted to elope then good for them – but they should also have had the choice to marry in Australia.

Equality at last

Fast forward to life after yesterday’s decision and I understand they plan to have a marriage blessing with all their loved ones in Australia, now that they are allowed to be married in their homeland. They knew their friends and family loved and accepted them but now they know that the Australian legislature accepts them too. If my octogenarian Uncle can accept that the granddaughter he adores happens to love a woman, then so can the rest of Australian society. I say that with the greatest of respect to my Uncle who grew up in a world where same sex relationships were not common place. He has been fully accepting as he wants his granddaughter to be happy and her love for her wife has demonstrated to him that ‘love is love’. They have a small baby and that baby will grow up now in a much more accepting Australia because of yesterday’s monumental decision. Good on ya Australia! You won’t regret treating your citizens equally -only good can come from that.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

Co-habitation – what does it mean and why does it matter?

Resolution is campaigning to change the law relating to cohabitation by couples in a relationship. At the moment when a couple who have been living together split up, they have very limited rights in certain circumstances only – and otherwise no rights at all. For example, a couple may have lived together for half a lifetime, raised a family together – but if one owns everything and the other nothing at all, then when they separate, there is no protection for the financially vulnerable, penniless partner. They may find themselves homeless and without any money or pensions – or any means of claiming any share in the assets built up during the relationship. This tends to reward the wealthier partner at the expense of the vulnerable.

Co-habitation what does it mean and why does it matter Focus Mediation Blog

Limited Protection if there are minor children

If there are minor children then limited help may be available under the Children Act.

Resources may be made available on a court application to a parent, say a mother, for housing whilst that child is a minor.  When the child reaches adulthood and leaves school – that money reverts to the other parent, typically the father. The mother may well then be homeless, with nowhere to live with or without the child, who is very likely to be partly fledged. She may well have reduced pensions and lower income owing to part-time work and career absences for child rearing – tough there is no redress.

How do you fancy a court application under antiquated equitable remedies?

There may be some protection under antiquated laws of Resulting or Constructive Trusts, Proprietary Estoppel and other Dickensian devices. Trying to get a share of assets via this route is fraught with difficulty, complex, uncertain and likely to require lots of money to pay for court proceedings. These might end in tears with an order for costs against you if you lose – or you might secure a fair share of the assets. It all depends. On the one hand this and the other hand that – were promises made to you that you relied on? What can you prove when the love goes cold and the lies start?

But we love and trust each other – it’ll be fine, besides there’s always Common Law Marriage

There is no such thing as Common Law Marriage. It doesn’t exist. Nearly half of marriages end in divorce – and most cohabitations will break-down. Fact. Romance and ‘lurve’ only take you so far, about as far as the bedroom.  For couples who only want an affair – that’s just fine, they want to keep their assets separate – and why shouldn’t they? Forcing everyone to marry and take on financial responsibilities to each other is a massive encroachment on our freedom to order our lives as we choose, an unwarranted intervention by the state. Yet if we do nothing the tragic penury of discarded partners who are often homeless and penniless will continue. What do you think?

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London, Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

F.O.M.O.

I had a dream last night – all my friends, yes every single one, were invited to a big party … but I wasn’t!  I was the only one who hadn’t got an invite – and worse than that it was taking place next door so I could both hear and see all the frivolity!  It felt rubbish – and I was relieved to wake up with the knowledge it wasn’t real and my Christmas party invites were still on the mantelpiece.  Phew!

Fear of Missing Out Focus Mediation Blog

Sounds silly perhaps (didn’t feel it!) – but we live now in a world of FOMO … Fear Of Missing Out!  Social Media creeps into the home at every opportunity if you let it – and in so doing brings our friends’ happy pictures, anecdotes, one liners, ‘likes’ and so on into our home – a world that’s typically having a great time. That’s cool when you’re high in spirit but not so good when you feel like you’re in the washing machine on fast spin!

F.O.M.O. + Relationship Breakdown

The breakdown of a relationship, whether recent or past, can rev that spin to top notch – the really mean thing is that not only are you having to deal with a huge bag of emotions (cue the grief cycle..) but you also suddenly have to put your financial head on and, if you have children, become a chameleon to hide the hurt you feel and protect them and their emotions – that’s hard….

…and then there’s FOMO – a new angle on it that you haven’t felt before – house/cash/pension/income – how are you going to manage? – What if you are ‘fleeced’? – Where do you start? – What if you MISS OUT?  The panic questions are endless.  Okay – let’s just call it ‘Fear’!

F.O.M.O. & our children

FOMO doesn’t just apply to you though.  Children feel all sorts of emotions when their parents separate including self-blame and a desire to make sure everyone is OK – they can become the proverbial ‘piggy in the middle’ no matter how hard you may try to stop it happening, as this may be their perception – they have their own fear of missing out.  You can help them deal with this through the forging of a ‘parental alliance’.  It’s not always easy for parents to do; but if parents are unified then that aids a solid foundation for their children’s new life.

Mediation is great at keeping communication alive and aiding transparency.  It brings out real feelings in a protected setting and helps to prevent distortion and slow down the spin.  Fears are brought to the surface as are needs and ‘wants’ – they can be discussed, balanced, questioned and addressed, so allowing you to move forward – whether in relation to finances, children or both.  In so doing you are increasingly moving away from that starting point of fear, FOMO.

Call us on 01908 231132 or Email: info@focus-mediation.co.uk for further information or to book a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) (10 Locations – Milton Keynes, Bedford, Hemel Hempstead, London , Northampton, Oxford, Potters Bar, St Albans, Harrow and Watford). Read more about family mediation (including our client testimonials) at  www.focus-mediation.co.uk 

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